


Memories Regained

by linatrinch



Series: Amnesia [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poe is an asshole, Temporary Amnesia, Unwanted Sexual Advances, misery porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:36:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch
Summary: Poe loses his memories of the past few years of his life after a routine mission gone wrong. The doctors claim his memories will return. Though Finn has never heard of such a recovery and doesn't truly believe it could be possible, he's going to do everything in his power to see that his lover comes back to him. Coincidentally, trying not to panic is also on the top of his to-do list.The requested Finn's POV fic to Memories Lost is finally here.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So between school and my thesis and my novel, I kinda totally forgot about this. Beautifullights reminded me, so thanks for that.
> 
> Anyway, this is Finn's POV to my older fic, Memories Lost, which is entirely in Poe's POV. You don't have to read either one first, I don't think. It might make more sense if you did. I'm not sure. This is just a sister fic born from high demand. If you have read the other one already, prepare for this one to likely be shorter. I don't really know what the length will be yet, but that's my prediction.
> 
> Since it's been so long, prepare for me to screw up all the continuity that I created. Feel free to berate me about stuff. Thanks, fam.

“Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of our own mind.  
Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world.”  
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, _Self-Reliance_

His entire future had vanished with a single shot. Everything else would eventually be fine. The rest of his life was the only casualty.

It took about two and a half hours for it to occur to him, but now he couldn't breathe.

Naturally, the news that Poe's X-Wing had gotten hit and that the pilot wasn't responding sent Finn into a panic. It was cruel for the galaxy to give his lover back only to take him away again. Poe had awoken in the medbay and looked at Finn like a total stranger.

“ _Poe, you know who I am, right?”_

“ _No, I_ don't _\- Dammit, I want to talk to a fucking doctor. And whoever the hell put you up to this-”_

Finn pushed the thought down and pinched the bridge of his nose. He had jumped into a frenzy of action so quickly that he didn't give himself time to process it. Poe didn't remember him. Poe didn't remember Starkiller or Jakku or the Resistance. In fact, Finn had stood out in the hallway while Snap told Poe that one of his closest friends had died three years ago, someone Finn knew quiet well through so many stories. He had to watch the man he loved relive the grief all over again, helpless to do anything to ease it.

“Finn.” He startled and sat up straight to find Kalonia standing above him. She sighed and took a seat as well, both of them out in the hallway now. “The General?”

“She had to go back to command,” he said hoarsely, just trying to make himself continue through it. “Without Poe's- Without his report on the incident, they're trying to work around it. They already figured he wouldn't... remember that part... so-”

She put a hand to his shoulder, and he quieted to take a deep breath and listen to what she had to say. “I'll have to give her a full report on his condition, so I'll give you the short version.” He blinked, wondering if she was allowed to know any more. Poe didn't know him at all. Surely he wasn't privy to that information. At the same time, he was desperate for news and made no move to stop her. “You already know that he doesn't remember the last four years. We've taken a few more intrusive scans and found no permanent damage. It's our firm belief that the memory loss is temporary, though he may never recall every moment.” She paused, waiting for his input.

D'Qar seemed to have stopped turning, though. All Finn could do was stare back at her, his mind painfully blank.

When 'troopers were sent to reconditioning, they came back different. They were never the same person again. Beyond that, they never really seemed like a person _at all_ again. In fact, Finn wasn't absolutely certain, but he had a suspicion that he had gone through it at least once before. He wasn't sure what for, but that was the entire point. Reconditioning took everything away. It never came back.

His shock dissolved into disbelief. “Temporary?”

“The concussion's going to give him problems, I'd imagine,” she side tracked with a nod. “Nausea, vertigo, migraines- He may not have any of it, but it's all highly possible. He can't be on duty for a few weeks either. No strenuous activity at all. Just rest and a healthy diet. No stress of any kind, if we can avoid it.”

He blinked at her, feeling terribly like they were on two different pages. “And his memories will just... come back?”

“With time and luck,” she agreed. _Luck_ was something that was in short supply. “This is the tricky part, though,” she continued, twisting in the seat to face him. “Some of his memories are quite traumatic, so he may have flashbacks and panic attacks. The problem is, we have to let it all occur naturally. We can't tell him what's happened. He has to fill in the gaps on his own. If we tell him, his mind will confuse memories with stories and he won't remember at all.”

They told him about Muran, though. There was no fixing that now.

Instead of asking her about it, he rubbed his palms over his thighs, trying to think and coming up short. “What can I do? How could I- I can't tell him about us. What do I-”

“Just keep him comfortable, like any other patient you helped me with back when you first arrived.” Kalonia squeezed his shoulder, and he realized that she was putting this on _him_. This wasn't any other patient. This was Poe. This was his future. This was _their_ future. “You can tell him about your relationship, just not stories or details.”

But where was the line drawn at? “He'll be okay, though?”

“He'll be okay.”

Finn looked away from her and stared at the wall opposite, trying to figure out a path. There was hope, however small, that Poe could remember everything. Still, it was small. His memories were important, but the concussion itself was still serious. The injury coupled with traumatic flashbacks could potentially be absolute hell. There seemed to be no way to ease him through it, though. Just move the obstacles out of his way so he didn't stumble as much.

Ah. Removing obstacles. He could do that.

Finn nodded to himself and asked, “When's he getting released?”

The ever patient Kalonia, who had learned that Finn's sudden silences were important for him to work through, just smiled. “If nothing else goes wrong, tomorrow. We're going to observe him for the rest of the night.”

Tomorrow. She didn't specify exactly when because she didn't know exactly when, but he could still work with that. “Okay. I'll bring over some clothes for him in a few hours. I have to go see General Organa, so I'll relay what you told me and have her come by later.”

“Have _her_ come by?” Kalonia asked with an amused smirk, but Finn didn't return it.

He stood up and took a deep breath, willing himself to not fall apart like that again. “Thank you, doctor.”

She nodded back. “You're welcome, Finn. He will be okay.”

“I know,” he answered as he left, only half believing it.

* * *

<When the First-Order-Special-Ops-TIE-Fighter-Scumbags dropped out of hyperspace, Friend-Poe's suspicions of the mission being compromised were proven true. Friend-Poe and BB-8 engaged with the First-Order-Special-Ops-TIE-Fighter-Scumbags and destroyed all of their nasty ships but the last one hit Friend-Poe's cockpit. BB-8 was able to destroy the last of the Scumbags. Friend-Poe's vitals were weak and he was not verbally responding, so BB-8 cycled the life support system to CRITICAL MODE and jumped into hyperspace to return to D'Qar-Base as the mission had already been terminated.>

It was the first time Finn had heard the account.

General Organa finally looked up from BB-8 to find Finn standing in the doorway. She gave him a small smile and waved at the people around her. “That's the fourth time we've heard the story from the droid's point of view. I don't think we can discern much else. Once _Black One_ 's black box has been checked through through, we can reconvene. And BB-8, I'm sure you won't mind uploading your visual data of the mission, won't you?”

BB chirped a strong affirmative as the others began standing and filing out of the room. Ackbar stopped to shake Finn's hand. Statura stopped to ask how he was doing. Neither encounter made him feel any better.

As the last of them filed out of the room, BB-8 wheeled over to Finn, whistling a questioning noise but sounding as if he didn't really have the heart for it. Finn just frowned down at him. “Poe's forgotten a lot more than they thought before, Bee,” he told the droid sadly, watching its little head tilt down to the floor. “Can you help these guys gather information tonight? Medbay's going to release him tomorrow, and I need you to keep an eye on him.”

BB straightened up to look at Finn again. <An eye?>

“Just to keep him safe and calm,” Finn nodded. “Just watch his back, okay?”

The droid extended a pincer from its round little body and saluted him, whistling something indiscernible yet encouraging, before he packed the pincer away and rolled out of the room.

Finn watched him go and turned back to the General, who stood in her same spot as before, watching him with the same sad eyes that all the others had. “How much?” she asked.

He didn't need to ask what she meant. “Kalonia was right the first time. It's about four years.” Finn shifted from one foot to the next, clearing his throat. “She thinks it's temporary, though. Said that he needed to be comfortable and off-duty.”

Leia sighed, nodded, and walked around the office desk to fall into the chair. “That's not good,” she told the ceiling. Finn felt like the words weren't really for him. Still, she looked back to him again. “I'm sure Kalonia was going to address all of that to me. What are you really here for?”

He was about to ask her of too much, he knew. She'd tell him that he was overreacting, grieving, and to ask him politely to resume the therapy he hadn't needed for the last several months. Either way, he swallowed hard and figured there was nothing else he could possibly lose. “L'ulo's mission ends in three days. Can you call him back early?”

Leia stared at him for a moment, face unreadable, then she leaned forward on the desk. “Why should I call him back early if he's arriving so soon anyway? Poe has familiar faces here.”

“They're not family,” he argued, sticking to his resolve. “The sooner L'ulo can be here, the more relaxed Poe will be. Besides, I-” Finn closed his mouth. Kalonia just came out and told him about Poe's condition as if the relationship they had was still alive and well, as if they were still set to be married within the next few months, as if Poe still agreed for Finn to make those kinds of decisions for him and vice versa. The General was not Kalonia. He didn't know what she would say if he just came out and _asked_. “It makes sense that Poe would heal better if he weren't on a military base with potential triggers around every corner. Kalonia was worried about possible flashbacks of more traumatic memories and said that the best we could do is ease him-”

“Why don't you just request for him to have leave, Finn?” she interrupted.

He snapped his mouth shut again, trying to frantically think. Curse, Leia. She always had the power to see right through him unlike anyone else he ever knew. “Because he's of sound enough mind to make that request for himself,” he answered. Then, giving in to her a little, his shoulders fell sadly. “And I'm not sure that I'm allowed anymore.”

She finally broke eye contact, looking down with a sigh. “If Kalonia says that he'll remember, then he will.”

“Not in my experience,” he admitted. She was probably the only one on base he could admit that to.

Gods, what he would give to see Rey right now, to have her kind words and steady support to hold him up. He had felt this alone before, but he thought he'd never have to feel this way again.

“This isn't reconditioning,” Leia answered, bringing his awareness back to the present. Again, she saw right through him. “He'll remember, Finn.” He looked away, so she continued. “I'll talk to the doctors, see what they think of your idea, but it's not a bad thought. As for L'ulo-... I'll think about it. Anything else?”

“He always wanted Snap to take over if something happened,” he mentioned.

Leia just smiled and nodded. “That, I can handle. We'll get rotations done in the morning, Major.”

“Thank you, General,” he replied, finding himself already in parade rest. “That was all of my requests. Permission to be dismissed?”

“He's going to be fine, Finn,” she told him softly, “but you're dismissed.”

* * *

Finn was fairly certain there would be no sleep for him tonight. In fact, that sounded best. He couldn't stand the thought of stopping and just letting his thoughts rattle around in his mind. If he stopped- He couldn't stop yet. There was too much to do.

He had gone by the quartermaster and gotten quite the stare when he requested a separate room. If Poe was to be released tomorrow, the last thing he needed was to find he was bunking with the same guy he had woken up yelling at. Sure, there were two beds, but it wouldn't make the blow any easier. His presence would hardly do anything to keep Poe calm.

Finn just hoped that everyone else would be able to keep their mouth shut and not spread any rumored drama around. If Finn wasn't going to tell him about their relationship, Poe didn't need to hear it second hand.

The hard part came in trying to pack his things.

There wasn't much to pack. He came in with nothing, so he and Poe shared basically everything. And Poe needed those shared things more than he did right now.

It was just the thought of it, like packing was somehow symbolic of the whole ordeal. That this just solidified the fact that it was all really over.

There was still one other thing that he really needed to do, but he was putting it off. The thought of talking to Kes Dameron sounded worse than packing.

He wished he could just talk to Rey.

Finn sat on their bed, trying to steady his breathing, trying to keep the dark thoughts down for just a little longer. He couldn't break yet. Not yet. Not now. Poe was stronger than that. Poe needed him to be stronger, too. He could hold on for a little longer. For him.

It wasn't like something wasn't bound to happen anyway. How could he ever think for a moment that they would actually be able to get married and have that life they whispered about in the quiet nights?

“ _Fuck_ ,” he hissed, standing and pacing over to the terminal. He input the signal he knew now by heart and sat in the chair, rubbing at his face. There were still things to be done, and he couldn't let himself dwell on, well, _himself_ right now. Keep moving. Keep working. Just keep going.

In the end, Poe was going to be okay, anyway. There was nothing to worry about.

After a moment too long, the signal finally picked up. It was only then that he realized what kind of hour it must have been on Yavin IV. He didn't even think to check. “ _Finn?_ ” An image of Kes appeared on the other side of the screen, groggy and blinking and a little alarmed. He didn't even take a moment to sit. “ _What's- Is-_ ”

“He's alive,” Finn answered, shaking his head.

Kes let out a held breath and finally sat down. “ _Dammit, son. You know what time it is here? You scared the hell out of me._ ”

“Sorry,” he muttered back, a hand rubbing across his forehead then through his hair. “He's alive. The doctors said he'll be okay.”

The older man visibly sagged, the years seeming to catch up to him all at once. “ _Okay_ ,” he said simply, “ _but what's wrong? What's happened?_ ”

He was alive and he would be okay. That's what mattered most. He could still fly and walk and run and laugh. He was okay. “He's got amnesia,” Finn answered a bit too clinically. “He's lost the past four years. He doesn't remember the Resistance or his rank or most of the people-”

“ _Oh, fuck_ ,” Kes breathed on the other end. Then, after a beat where they both sat in silent thought, “ _He doesn't remember you either, does he?_ ”

Finn shook his head, swallowing the words and biting his cheek, mouth a thin line. He took a deep breath. “I'm trying to get-... _Dammit, Kes_.” He let out the held breath and hung his head, closing his eyes and pushing the thought away. “I'm trying to get him some leave time to go back home on. They say he might remember if he's not told anything and is in a comfortable enough environment. I'm sure he doesn't remember Miri, either, so he'll have to be eased into meeting her, too.”

“ _He will remember?_ ”

“The doctors think so.”

Kes let out an audible sigh on the other end. Finn kept his eyes closed as they both lapsed back into silence, one trying to process the information and the other just trying to keep his cool. Eventually, Kes' voice came back through, much stronger and surer than before. “ _Okay. Okay, we can work with this._ ” He let out a deep breath, Finn finally opening his eyes enough to see the same Dameron determination set in his features. “ _I'm sure Leia won't object to sending him home. I'll talk to Miri and the local doctor, get stuff ready here. Keep me up to date about it._ ”

“Yeah, I will,” he nodded.

“ _Are you okay?_ ”

He opened his mouth to lie but didn't really see the point in it. “No,” Finn answered, but swiftly changed the subject. “I'm sorry for calling so late. This happened hours ago. I'll call tomorrow and give you an update. If not me, someone will. In daylight hours. I promise.”

Typical to Kes' nature, he didn't take the bait. “ _Are you coming home, too?_ ”

“No.” The thought was kind of laughable, honestly. “He needs time away from it all. We talked earlier, but it didn't really... go well.” Finn took a deep breath and allowed himself to think back on it. “He's scared.”

“ _I think you should come home, too._ ”

Finn just shook his head again, wishing that Kes would focus on his son and not him for a second. “No. I'll try to get Poe to call you somehow, all right? He really is fine. The concussion bothers him, but he's okay otherwise.”

“ _Finn-_ ”

“ _Kes!_ ” The outburst was out of his mouth before he could bring it back in. “I'm sorry, I-” His eyes closed again, and he focused on just trying to breathe steady. “I can't do this right now, okay? Not right now. I need to step back and help him as best I can. I need-” His throat closed somewhere along the words and a sob racked him.

Finn clenched his fist so tight that the nails brought blood. He cleared his mind, stopped the tears before they could come, and just let himself breathe for a second.

Eventually, he opened his eyes again to find Kes looking at him with pity and worry. This was the longest day of his life, practically tied with Jakku. Finn swallowed and tried again. “I need to keep a clear head and handle things on this end. You need to be ready if I can get them to let him go home.”

Kes frowned but agreed. “ _Okay. And you'll call tomorrow?_ ”

“Someone will.” He wasn't sure he could do all of this again. Not in front of Kes. While Leia could see through him, Kes had become a family that he had always wanted. Looking at him was nearly the same as looking at Poe, and he couldn't bring himself to do it.

“ _But will_ you _?_ ” Kes asked again.

“Someone will.”

The elder man looked away, as if gathering his thoughts before turning back. “ _I'll talk to you soon, son. We'll handle things here._ ” Finn nodded. Then, as if he knew the answer without a doubt in the galaxy, “ _He'll remember._ ”

“That's what they say,” he answered quietly.

After another few minutes of terse words back and forth, Finn closed the channel and finished packing his things. As he left the room, he doubled checked to make sure his name was off of the plate outside the door in case the quartermaster hadn't got to it yet. Sure enough, the aurebesh letters spelling out _Poe Dameron_ greeted him. Without allowing himself to dwell on it, Finn turned away and walked towards his new quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I can't really tell if this can be read by itself or not. I think it just makes more sense to read the other one first. It's probably more enjoyable that way, too. Hard to say.
> 
> Anywho, I hope you guys like the start. I'm going to try and not rehash what was done in the last story and present you guys with as many new scenes as I'm able. That said, I know we all want to see some particular scenes from Finn's side, so there will be a mix. Look for updates weekly-ish.
> 
> Hope you like it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually when I make a series or a sequel, I'm used to a ton of people falling out of the story. I'm super happy to see that a good bit of you are liking the fic so far. :) I hope it continues to meet expectations. So thanks!
> 
> Also, L'ulo was present in Memories Lost, which as written before some things happened in the comics. Anyway, that's why he's here, too.

Finn hadn't slept great that night, but he chalked it up to being in a new room. Certainly, that had to have played a part, but his worry about Poe and everything surrounding the situation probably didn't help much either.

Regardless, he rose with the new day feeling a little different about the circumstances. Maybe not exactly better, but he was looking at it all in a different light at least. He knew what had to be done and that he had the resources to put everything into motion.

He didn't know what time Poe was getting released from medical. Really, he hadn't asked when he brought a spare change of clothes for him to the nursing staff. It didn't set well with him that Poe would be by himself, but a nurse promised to show him to his room, so it wasn't going to be that big of a deal. He just worried.

That was probably his real problem. The anxiety over the thought that he _had_ to do more when there was nothing else that could be done was eating at him. A rather strong part of him wanted to be next to Poe and help him through this situation side by side. The rest of him knew that he would just make himself upset when Poe talked to him like a stranger again. More than that, he wasn't about to risk the potential for his memories to not reemerge by telling him the truth.

Space was needed for the both of them, Finn knew this without a doubt. Poe needed to heal more or less on his own. It was Finn's job to allow him the opportunity to do so. He knew Leia would approve for Poe to go home, so he just had to keep strong until orders went through. After that, he could keep tabs with Kes, bury himself in work, and beg Leia for a long term mission somewhere far away. There was a small notion of guilt that Poe would feel like Finn abandoned him if his memories were to actually return, but-

But he was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. He wanted Poe to remember. He wanted to open every avenue possible for Poe to remember. At the same time, he wasn't about to start fooling himself on notions of happily ever after. Poe would do better away from him, and he would do better away from Poe.

He steeled himself with the idea, not letting the logical conclusion turn into an emotional one.

Today primarily had to do with fighter rotations. That wasn't necessarily his expertise, but he did act as liaison between the General and the troops more often than not. Not to mention that he already knew how Poe wanted things to be in case... something were to ever happen to him. At the same time, Finn had no delusions that Snap or Karé or any of the other pilots weren't aware of Poe's plans, too. Today was just consisting of a technical reworking of powers and the bestowing temporary leadership titles to people who have no idea how much paperwork a Starfleet Commander goes through in one afternoon. Not to mention that Finn had all of Poe's work related files from their old room. He left behind the datapad, but figured the rest held information too sensitive to be left in the hands of a guy that would probably just throw it all out or something.

Was he trying to take over too much?

Eh. He'd just wait until Leia told him to stop. That sounded like a reasonable plan.

Just as Finn was approaching Leia's office to start getting the ball rolling, the door opened to reveal a tall Duros still in his green flight suit, letting out a likely well needed sigh. “L'ulo!” Finn shouted, not at all expecting him to come back so soon, even with the rush he tried to create. Seeing him was a shock but a very welcome one.

The Duros turned to him with a big smile, and they were hugging before Finn knew it. Quickly, not wanting this to turn out like the conversation with Kes the night before, he pulled back with a smile. “How did the mission go?”

“Came and went,” L'ulo chuckled back in that deep voice he had. “It was relatively uneventful, so I wasn't too surprised when I was called back early.”

Ah. Finn's smile fell. “Did they-?”

“The General told me what happened,” L'ulo nodded back into the office. He gripped Finn's shoulder, the other knowing exactly what question was coming, but it seemed to shift at the last second. “How's he doing?”

“Okay,” he answered with a worried frown. “He's not in too much pain, but they said migraines might come and go. He's handling everything all right, but he's scared. He has no idea where he really is, and I know he has a ton of questions that he's either not asking or no one's answering... I haven't seen him yet today, though.” _Yet._ Finn really didn't have plans to see him at all if he could help it. That is, unless he gave in later that evening, but the need shouldn't be there with L'ulo back on base.

The Duros' gave him a sympathetic and confused look. “You haven't been with him?”

Finn shrank back. Should he have? He had finally reasoned with himself that distance was the best thing for both of them, but now- “He doesn't know me, so I haven't- I made him upset yesterday-”

“It's all right,” L'ulo quickly soothed, squeezing his shoulder just a little. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.”

In all honesty, Finn wasn't sure if he didn't deserve some blame in all of this. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and he figured that he was already handling it wrong. It was just a mess.

“You okay, kid?”

“I'm fine,” Finn repeated, replaying the phrase in his mind since the night before. “Poe's getting out of medical today. I don't know when. He could have already been released. I called Kes and told him everything last night. Hopefully, I can get Poe some leave to go home soon.”

“I'll go track the boy down,” L'ulo smiled, “and since I'm back on base again, might as well call Kes later today and see how the cattle's been. I swear, that's all the old man talks about.”

Surprising both of them, Finn huffed a laugh. “I think he'd take offense to you of all people calling _him_ old.” The Duros shrugged and laughed, but Finn continued. “Thank you, L'ulo, so much.”

“What's family for?” he asked with a smirk, patted him on the shoulder one last time, and started walking down the hall. There was a massive relief in that he didn't linger on Finn specifically. Then again, L'ulo always seemed the type to read a person a little too well.

Finn sighed and walked into Leia's office.

* * *

“And the prophet returns.”

Finn smiled at the nickname – given to him by some of his friends as he often carried the word of General Organa, who wasn't exactly a god but was certainly just as terrifying – but his expression didn't even begin to reach his usual level of happiness. After all, it seemed like all of the color had been taken out of D'Qar's landscape, though he knew that was just from his view of things.

What he felt didn't matter. He had to keep moving forward.

“New orders, Snap,” he said, handing Temmin Wexley a datapad as they both stood out on the Resistance's tarmac. “Congratulations on the temporary promotion.”

Snap scoffed, taking the orders and looking them over. “You can't fool me, Finn. I've seen Poe pull all nighters.” There was a pause where he was probably waiting for a laugh while he thumbed through the datapad, but Finn didn't really have it in him to entertain anyone on any social level right then. Thankfully, Snap didn't acknowledge the tense moment. He did, however, frown when he got to the end of the orders. “What about Toola?”

“Toola?”

“Poe's mission that got botched. We're not doing anything about it?”

Well, it wasn't like the idea of chasing down the people that sold his lover out hadn't crossed Finn's mind once or several times. “I'm sure the General's handling it somehow. She hasn't told me any details.” Clearly. He knew he was too close to the situation. It would have been shocking if she _had_ gotten him involved.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Snap sighed, glancing up with a sympathetic look before schooling himself. At least he understood. “All right, well, when do these go into effect?”

“Officially? The day before yesterday when Poe was brought into medical.”

“Figures,” the older man grumbled.

Finn shook his head, allowing himself a little smile at his friend's expense. “I got all of his files and datapads out of our room and put it in his office. That'll catch you up. You know the rotations better I do, anyway, and I could probably recite them in my sleep at this point.”

“Probably because Poe recites them in his sleep,” Snap grumbled again.

Finn held himself back at the last second from letting out a barking laugh at the idea. It was good to smile again, anyway. Still, he felt weird. Not really happy or anything. Just kind of numb. He was a little scared that if he started laughing, he wouldn't really be able to stop, and the last thing he needed was to have a full on meltdown in front of all the pilots. So he put the image of Poe mumbling battle plans in his sleep while they lay together at night and stuffed it into the back of his mind. Later. He'll have to process it all later.

He let out a sigh... and felt eyes on him. Finn looked up but couldn't find anyone looking back.

“Thanks, Finn,” Snap huffed, “I'll try to get everything up and going. Wouldn't want the boss to come back to find his X-Wings being gambled off in a game of dice or something. I'll keep it floating.”

“I know you will,” Finn mumbled, and finally found who must have been looking at him.

L'ulo was standing out on the landing strip in front of _Black One_ , smirking and looking down at Poe, who had his back to Finn and was shuffling his feet on the ground while BB-8 ran laps around them. Before he could look away, Poe turned to look at him again. Their eyes locked for a tense second where Finn's heart nearly stopped beating. He hadn't seen the other man since the day before, when he'd yelled at him in medical... When Poe tried flirting with him like he wasn't someone that he knew well. When Poe cried because his friend had been gone for years and screamed at Leia for it. But the second lasted long enough that Finn's heart (not his mind) expanded in hope that something could happen, that he could remember and it would all be okay.

Poe flinched like he'd been caught and turned back around quickly.

“I'll see you around, Snap.”

“Maybe you two could-” Wexley tried, apparently having saw the whole exchange, but seemed to give up since Finn was already walking away. “Right... See you later, kid!”

Was it weak to turn away from Poe and run from him? Or was it really for the best? Was he doing this for Poe's health or for his own feelings?

He stomped down on those questions, too, as he left the hangar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to make this one longer, but the first section ended up being longer than intended, so the next scene will be saved for next chapter, I guess. If you're new to my fics, this is my entire life. “I was gonna add something but I already wrote too much and oops here's a 50k word fic.” Ugh.
> 
> Anyway, in the next chapter, you're finally going to get a scene with both of them in it. I know. I'm excited, too.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Knowing that Poe wasn't awake and realizing he probably wasn't checking his datapad, Finn sent a message to BB-8 and waited outside of the hangar, watching the first rays of sunlight shine from over D'Qar's trees. He hadn't called Kes the night before, hoping L'ulo was going to be in contact with him. Really, he should have had enough respect for the man to at least make sure someone would get in touch with him, but he hadn't and that was that. Besides, Kes never called him, so it must have worked out somehow.

He had just started watching Jess lift off with the new recruits to begin their training session – something that was Poe's duty and had to be shifted to another pilot – when BB-8 rolled out of the hangar doors and flattened the tall grass as he made his way to Finn.

With a sigh, Finn pushed off of the wall. “Hey, Bee. He's still sleeping?”

BB beeped an affirmative and added, <Friend-Poe woke much earlier this morning. Friend-Poe had a panic attack and got sick.>

That was precisely the reason Finn made sure BB-8 would stick with Poe outside of the medbay, but he was  _really_  hoping it wouldn't come to pass. He tilted his head back to look up at the sky, feeling totally useless. “He was okay when he went to bed again? What triggered it?”

Bee made a warble, meaning it didn't really know the answer to either. Then again, what  _didn't_  trigger it? Of course, he freaked out.

“Okay,” he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “All right, I won't keep you long. The General wants to meet with him at 0800 in her office, okay? Don't tell him until he gets some food in him and  _only_  if he's doing okay. If he doesn't look like he's up to it, I'll postpone the meeting, all right?”

BB straightened with an affirmative whistle but quickly sagged again in clear confusion. For a moment, he just stared at Finn while the other stared back at the droid, confused. Finally, the droid asked, <Friend-Poe has a mission?>

Oh. “Ah, no! No. No, no. No mission,” Finn said, waving his hand. “Leia's cleared him to go home. She just wants to let him know.”

<Home!> BB whistled loudly.

“Only until he's better,” Finn clarified. “And you're coming, too. We need all hands on deck.”

<Mission time!> BB warbled again. <You can count on BB-8, Friend-Finn!> Then, without really missing a beat, the droid turned around and started heading back.

Finn yelled after him, “Only if he's feeling better!” but wasn't sure if he had been heard or not.

Ah, well. It was clear BB-8 valued Poe over any mission, no matter what his directives said. Finn wasn't too worried.

At least, he wasn't worried about that.

* * *

He really did like C-3P0. Finn could tolerate him a lot longer than most could, and the droid sometimes talked about some truly interesting stuff. Poe had liked him a lot, too, being one of the few people on base who truly didn't mind the talkative and panicky droid.

Wait, did he just think of Poe in the past tense?

Finn pinched his brow.

“Major?”

Work. Focus on work. “Yes, General. Sorry.” He couldn't afford to get wrapped up in his own mind too much anymore. Finn shifted around the reports, datapads, and files in his arms, pulling out the flimsies he had been looking for. “The latest recon that's come back from Bespin suggests that that First Order presence is brewing. It's nothing overbearing yet, but the fact that there are 'troopers there at all says enough.”

Leia, sitting perfectly pristine at her desk (as always), looked from the documents to Threepio. “Have your spies said anything about this?”

“Nothing of note, Princess- er, General,” Threepio replied solemnly. “If there is a substantial First Order presence, I can have my team infiltrate immediately.”

“Please do.”

As soon as Leia nodded his dismissal, Threepio turned and started ambling over to the door. As Leia looked through the documents, Finn heard a knock. He almost allowed himself to think on it until his attention was pulled away by the General again. “I'm sending a team to Toola. We think Poe's double-crossing attacker is from there.”

That immediately brought all of Finn's attention on her. “You do?” This was the first he heard about anything regarding Toola. As he had told Snap just the day before, it was understandable why they weren't including him. He just didn't know why she was bringing it up now. A mission? Did she want him to lead it? “You're sending Pathfinders?”

“I'm sending the best,” she answered vaguely, pushing her records to the side. “I just didn't want you to worry about it.” With that, she looked to the now open door and called out to the guy waiting outside. “Commander.” She waved Poe into the room.

Finn figured he had just enough time to panic. He hadn't expected for Poe to show up after having an episode earlier in the day. Surely seeing the General would just make his anxiety worse. But Finn could slap himself. When has Poe Dameron not done absolutely anything the General asked of him? This was clearly BB-8's fault. Did Poe even have time to eat-?

No. He was worrying again.

And now Poe was in the room, the door closed behind him, and they were both staring at each other with the same amount of shock on their faces. Dammit. Finn gulped.

“I can leave if-”

“I'll just go and-”

“No, no, you were already-”

“I should have left before-”

“It's all right,” the General cut in, raising her hand and not turning away from Poe. “Finn, please stay. This won't take but a moment.

He narrowed his eyes at her, suspicious. Why did he need to stay for this? Why did he need to be here? Whatever game she was up to, he already didn't like it. Resigned, he tucked the documents behind his back and stood at parade rest. His gaze, inevitably, landed on Poe.

The pilot looked okay. Finn had seen him go through several panic attacks, including situations where the roles were reversed. After Poe's, he was often pale, shaken, a little clammy. But he had color in his face and a little hint of a dare in his eyes. Perhaps he was trying not to think about it, which was fine with Finn.

Still, just being in the same  _room_  with him right now, it broke Finn's heart. Poe was looking at him with an accusatory glare, probably because of the circumstances that he had woken up under. It was no secret that Finn had been actively avoiding him. And, honestly, he had every right to be angry.

That's when Finn realized what he was wearing... He had left their room in such a hurry- How did Poe even  _find_ \- He must have been looking through their room for clues of his past, not that Finn could blame him, but it was painfully obvious that they didn't wear the same size  _shirts_. Finn's shoulders were broader than Poe's, torso smaller, and the jerk had still  _somehow_  squeezed into one of Finn's sleep shirts.

That just wasn't  _fair_. It wasn't even cute or attractive. It just wasn't  _fair_. It  _hurt_.

Finn turned his gaze to the wall, knowing it was too quick for Poe to not have noticed.

The pilot maneuvered himself into parade rest, too, but his eyes didn't leave Finn. Instead they roved up and down his frame, and Finn was familiar with this. Poe had given him hungry looks many times in the past, but it was never like this. He didn't  _want_  Finn. He wanted to make him uncomfortable. And it was working.

Instead of calling attention to it, Finn turned his head away to stare into the corner and just let the moment pass. The damn shirt was forgotten. His heart had fallen somewhere to the depths of his stomach.

“Commander,” Leia  _finally_  intervened, “how are you feeling this morning? Any changes?”

“No, ma'am,” came the reply that was entirely free of remorse, “but I'm ready to report to duty when needed.”

Finn sighed quietly and just allowed them to talk around him, trying hard to block them out. For the most part, he just wanted this to be over so that he could question Leia about his involvement here. He wasn't dumb by any means. She was up to something.

Then, before long, Poe was yelling again. “Princess-!” Finn jumped and blinked, trying to go back through the conversation. All Leia had told him was that he was going home on leave... Yet- “ _General_ , I'm sorry- General! I- I can't- I'm still- I mean- I can fly! I can still fly! I know how to fly!”

He was panicking. He thought they were kicking him out. Because he had been injured. Finn suddenly thought back to two years ago when he had been put on his back for months by Kylo Ren, when Poe helped him through  _everything_. More than once, he had reassured an upset Finn that the Resistance wasn't going to throw him to the side because of how useless he felt by the injury.

And now Poe was thinking the  _same thing_.

Finn opened his mouth, unsure what sort of comforting words he was about to attempt, but Leia beat him to it. “Poe,” she said gently, commanding silence, “if you think that even for a moment we're getting rid of you, then you have an entirely different reality to work with. You are by far our best pilot in this operation. So long as you want to be here, your help in this war is sincerely appreciated and far more than welcome.”

It took a second, but Poe started breathing again, even had the state of mind to look a little embarrassed. He was okay. “I- Sorry, General. I just-”

“It's okay, pilot. I understand to at least some degree. Everything must be a confusing mess right now.”

Poe let out a deep breath and stole a glance at Finn before turning away again. “Sorry, General.” His continence had severely changed since he first entered the room. Instead of angry and cocky, he looked timid and sad. The fear still hadn't left him then.

Finn swallowed thickly but remained quiet as Leia went on. “You've very rarely taken leave since joining the Resistance, so you have a lot of time built up. We're giving you two months at most, two weeks at least. You may come back at anytime in between as you wish, provided a certified doctor clears your concussion and any other problems that may arise. You're to leave in the morning. Am I clear?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

It was Finn's turn to take a sigh of relief. Poe would feel so much better at home.

“We've already comm'd Kes and told him your situation,” Leia said, not even glancing towards Finn, but he fidgeted anyway. “Of course, you're more than free to follow up with him before you're to be shipped off. And one more thing. Since you're not clear to fly, I'm sending a pilot to drop you off.”

_Dammit!_  He knew he forgot something! He didn't secure transport for Poe to actually  _get_  home! He was thankful to Leia for having the foresight to do it in his stead, but he couldn't help but feel guilty over forgetting such a crucial detail.

He shook his head to try getting rid of the thought, while Poe asked about public transport and was informed about his numerous bounties. Then he asked about L'ulo being the pilot, which was a perfect idea.

But Leia frowned. “We need L'ulo,” she sighed, dashing Finn's hopes. “In fact, we need every capable pilot. Thankfully, I've got someone here who knows how to fly without being needed in a starfighter.”

Having thought through a list of pilots before she even finished the sentence, Finn looked at her to see who she had in mind. Except that Leia was staring back at him as if the answer was obvious. He cut his eyes to Poe, realizing both of them were watching him. “What?” Sure, he could scrounge up a pilot from somewhere, but did they expect him to read minds, too?

“Major, I have a mission for you.”

Finn's stomach dropped as he realized which  _pilot_  she had in mind. “ _What?_ ” he asked again but in a lot more distress this time.

“I need you to bring Commander Dameron to Yavin IV,” she explained as if talking to a child, “and bring him back to the Resistance when he's clear and willing. I'm also going to need you to stay with him and make sure he doesn't somehow get in trouble, what with not remembering who all he's previously gotten in trouble with.”

She was forcing him to go home. She was making him- Finn opened his mouth, trying to will any sound out.

Poe interrupted. “ _What?_ He has to  _stay_  with me?”

And that was precisely why he absolutely could not do that. “General,” he finally stammered, “I can't take leave right now-”

“You're not taking leave,” she calmly cut him off. “This is a mission.”

_Like hell-!_  “But, General, I-”

“Are you refusing to carry out a mission for me?”

“I-” How dare she? His eyes darted around the room, caught on the spot. “N- No?”

“Excellent. You leave at 0500. Kun will have a small shuttle waiting on the tarmac.”

How was he supposed to  _respond_  to that? She  _knew_  he couldn't do this. She  _knew_. It felt like the ground was eating him alive. How was he going to pull this off without losing his mind? Without making Poe worse? Without ruining what remains of a relationship they still had?

“Commander,” Leia continued talking to Poe, as if Finn wasn't at all upset, “while you've been in recovery, we've instated Wexley to take your position temporarily. Kun will lead Red in his temporary stead, and Pava will remain in command of Blue. Any questions?”

Poe, rightfully so, just stared at her like she had grown three heads right before his eyes. “No?”

“Good. I'll see you in the morning, Commander. You're dismissed.”

For a second, it looked like he wasn't going to leave. The pilot just squinted and looked back and forth between them as if he knew they were scheming something. Well, one of them definitely was... He blinked, turned, and walked out of the room.

Finn could only wait long enough until Poe was on the other side of the threshold. “General, I can't do this. You  _know_  I can't do this. Whatever you're thinking or planning or doing- I'll get another pilot. I'll find someone- Maybe the refugees. They all love Poe. They won't mind dropping him off. And you know Kes isn't going to let him out of his-”

“Finn,” Leia sighed, the door Poe left out of already closed. “I have my reasons. You're going to Yavin IV. Whatever you  _do_  on Yavin IV is up to you, but you're going.”

“Gen-” He stopped, swallowed, and tried again with far more sincerity. “Leia, please. I can't do this.”

She finally looked up at him, her eyes turning into something with sympathy and pity. He found that he didn't mind it as much in the moment as he had from everyone else. “You had planned to get married, right?” she asked quietly. He didn't answer – she knew the answer – but just bringing it up was a low blow. “He needs you right now.”

“He doesn't even know me.”

She just shook her head. “Yes, he needs his father and L'ulo and Yavin, but he needs  _you_ , too. He already knows all about the past. He needs the present. He needs his future.”

Finn's eyes fell closed, cold sadness rushing through his veins, threatening to drown him. “Yes, ma'am.”

Leia stood up. “You're officially off-duty as of now. Go get ready for your trip.”

Being off-duty was really the last thing he needed.  _Thinking_  about this was the last thing he needed. But he found himself handing her the rest of his files and following his ex-fiance's path out of the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, longer chapter! A lot of this was from the other fic, so I guess I'm sorry about that? Like I said, we'll be going back and forth between original scenes and old ones a lot. I feel like I should have redone the first chapter of the last fic, but meh. Too late now. We're already running.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the response so far! And thanks for reading. :)


	4. Chapter 4

“The General's ordered me to bring him home,” Finn admitted to the hologram image of a way too relieved Kes Dameron. “We're not exactly on speaking terms, so it's going to be a little awkward. I wanted to let you know. We'll be there tomorrow before dinner.”

“ _Good_ ,” the older man sighed. “ _You might not see it that way right now, but I think you'll both be better off together than apart._ ”

No. Poe didn't even know him, and Finn was too heartbroken by the whole thing. This wasn't better. “I guess we'll see,” he grumbled. “What about Miri? Is she there?”

“ _Already went off to her sister's place_ ,” Kes said, shaking his head. “ _Said she figured he'd be coming back soon. Knowing that woman, she probably called Leia herself. But anyway, she said she wants to give Poe time to adjust to everything. I didn't exactly argue._ ”

“Going slow is best, but we probably shouldn't keep her a secret,” Finn agreed. “She's a part of our lives right now. Kind of hard to hide that.”

“ _Hey, wait. What are we hiding?_ ”

“Everything.” He didn't really look at the other man when he said it, already resigned to being perpetually tired with the situation. “We'll talk more about it when I get there.”

“ _Way to sound ominous_ ,” Kes grumbled, sounding way too much like his son in that moment.

Finn couldn't help it. The sudden giggle just fell out of him, but he shook his head, cleared his throat, and took a deep breath. “I'm signing off. We'll see you tomorrow, Kes.”

“ _You all right, son?_ ”

He groaned. “See you tomorrow, Kes,” he repeated, stressing.

The other, for his part, just grimaced back at the screen. “ _Yeah, you will. And we're gonna have a real nice long talk-_ ”

“Kes, focus on your damn son,” he snapped. He certainly didn't mean to. It just happened, though he kind of didn't regret it.

After a scoff, Kes asked, “ _What? I can't focus on the both of you?_ ” Instead of answering back, Finn just glowered at him, getting a glare in return. “ _Tomorrow._ ”

“Tomorrow,” Finn agreed and closed the channel. He still wasn't quite used to people caring about him, but it was sometimes a bit overbearing. He felt like he was pushing his luck at other times. Maybe that was it. Maybe his upbringing in the Order was what made him want to run from this.

He leaned back in the desk chair, dragging out a long sigh.

“You know-” Finn jumped at the sudden voice in his room. “-I happen to think you're both going about this a little skewed.”

Why didn't he input the lock on the door? He rubbed his palm across his face and turned to the Duros standing at the entrance. “Everyone seems to have their opinion on how I'm handling this, L'ulo. Just saying that doesn't make you special.”

“On the contrary,” the much older being said, raising one finger and allowing himself a seat on Finn's newly acquired bed, letting the door shut behind him, “everything anyone says is special, especially when it's being said by someone who's fought in the last two and a half wars.”

“You should have been a Jedi,” Finn grumbled, standing up and sitting down on the bed, too. “All right. I'll bite. What do _you_ think I'm doing wrong?”

L'ulo shrugged. “It's two things, really. For instance, you and Kes seem to be of the belief that Poe's not a grown man.”

Finn closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten before opening them again. “I'm not coddling him. In fact, I'm trying to do everything possible to _not_ coddle him.”

“Well, you aren't doing it to his face, anyway.” Finn bit his lip and closed his eyes again, but L'ulo continued. “It's not changing rotations or getting him to go home. It's how he's being treated. I had to tell him your name today. Why aren't you speaking to him?”

He took a deep breath and leaned forward on his elbows, running a hand over his hair. “I don't want to over step whatever boundaries he thinks we have. More than that, I don't want him to find out something he shouldn't right now.”

“And that's where problem number two comes in,” L'ulo pushed forward. “You think that anything you do is going to hurt him.”

Finn didn't really know how to respond or feel about that one. Except maybe to react with annoyance which was the reason that he rolled his eyes. But L'ulo stayed quiet long enough for him to actually think about it and- “It's not like that's not true.”

“It _isn't_ true,” the Duros said firmly. “He's confused right now. Maybe the doctors told you not to tell him certain things – I can understand that – but they surely didn't mention to cut him out completely.”

“I'm not cutting him out-”

L'ulo cut him off. “Finn.” Once the younger man snapped his mouth shut and looked away, he continued. “You're not speaking to him at all. You're trying your best to not acknowledge him. That's not helping.”

Yeah, _nothing_ was helping. Nothing he ever did was helping. Everything he did was _wrong_ , right? Right? Finn snapped. “He doesn't _know_ me, L'ulo! He doesn't know anything about me! He didn't even know my damn name until _you_ told him!” And that seemed to unexpectedly hurt sharply. “How could I be hurting him at all if he doesn't _remember_ me at all!?”

“You were there when he woke up, right?” L'ulo responded as calmly as ever. “He's smart enough to realize that something's going on there. More than that, he's lost his memories, not his emotions. Who's to say he doesn't feel something towards you?”

“He doesn't,” Finn practically spat, but it came out with far less venom than he intended. All he did was cradle his head in his hands. “He hates me.”

“He's confused and scared,” the other defended. “He doesn't hate you-”

Again, Finn sat up straight and faced the Duros but he quickly felt his will to argue leaving him. “Why does everyone want to talk about me right now, huh? Always asking me how _I_ feel or how _I'm_ doing. I'm not the one that almost died. I'm not the one that got flung four years into the future.”

L'ulo narrowed his eyes at the floor. “So you're saying that you're fine?”

“Stop _asking_ about _me!_ ” Finn snapped again.

He wasn't like this. He loved Kes and L'ulo. He had the utmost respect for them, admired them both, wanted to be like them when he was older. Finn had never talked back to them or snapped at them or _screamed_ at them. And he hated it. He hated how he was reacting. He hated that his first choice was to burn his bridges. He hated it.

He wanted to apologize. Instead, Finn turned away and waited for the other to leave so that he could... punch a wall or something? He wasn't sure. He wanted to scream a lot more, that was for certain.

Silence fell between them for what seemed like hours to Finn, but L'ulo spoke up again eventually. “He's dead, right?” he asked softly. “You feel like you've lost him. You feel like the future you had planned together is gone forever and that his image was left behind to remind you of what could have been and what you had before. You feel like you've lost your family.”

Finn was breathing hard but adamantly refused to show it. “He's not dead,” he said hoarsely.

“No, he's not,” L'ulo surprisingly agreed. “He's not dead and he will remember. But you can't ignore your own health while all of this-”

“He won't remember.” Finn found himself shaking, unable to keep the tears from coming. Still, he swallowed thickly and rubbed a hand roughly against his face. “He's not going to remember.”

“Yes, he will.” L'ulo said, but the other just shook his head. Finn closed his eyes and felt a hand on his back. “You'll see.”

He shook his head again but stayed quiet while L'ulo sat with him. As much as he tried to calm down, sobs managed to find a way out, prompting the Duros to wrap him in a hug. Even shocking himself, Finn didn't shove him off. He wanted to cry, dammit. He wanted to allow himself a moment before going back to reality.

So they stayed that way in the silence, Finn crying on the shoulder of someone he had really wanted to one day consider part of his real family.

* * *

“And you don't want anyone else to come with you?”

“No one _should_ be going with us,” Finn answered, doing the pre-flight check for what felt like the tenth time. “I don't even know why BB's going with us.”

“Oh, please,” Karé rolled her eyes. “He wouldn't be of any use here, I promise. All he'd ever talk about would be how the two of you are doing and that you went on some fancy _mission_ without him.”

<BB-8 thinks it would be informative for you to know that BB-8 is right here.>

Karé scoffed, but Finn glanced down at the droid who was doing most of the work with the pre-flight check. “Why are you always talking in third person, Bee?”

<Why aren't you?>

Finn considered it and shrugged. “Okay, fair.” He was too tired to argue about it.

The droid seemed to hear something from outside and swiveled around to look through the ship and out the back. <FRIEND-POE!> he shrieked at the top of his speakers and zoomed out of the ship, nearly barreling over Karé.

Finn sighed. Well, the man of the hour was here.

It looked like Karé had different plans, though. She moved around until she was sitting in the copilot's seat and looking right at him. “Look, I know what the General said, but you need time, too. If you want one of us-”

“It's orders, Karé,” he nearly growled back. No, okay. “Look, I- I think I need to do this. It sucks, but I need to do it.”

“Yeah, I know,” she frowned. “I guess I'm just worried about you two. Snap says Poe's head hasn't been screwed on straight lately.”

“That's one way to put it,” he sighed.

She waved at him, dismissing the comment. “Anyway, listen. If he starts acting stupid, you call us. We'll knock sense into him.”

At the thought, Finn just laughed. “Whatever, Karé. Sure,” he chuckled and finally turned away from the console. “Anything on Rey today?”

“Haven't talked to the General,” she answered, shaking her head. “If we do hear something back, we'll relay it to Yavin IV. The General understands how much you want to talk to her right now.” He nodded, but Karé was standing and probably missed it. “Come on, let's go face the music.”

“Yeah,” he sighed again, scratching his ear and making no move to stand. “Karé, you knew Poe four years ago, right? What was he really like back then?”

She blinked at the sudden question, then seemed to think about it and shrugged. “Young.” Like that was obviously informative. “I mean, he was a baby pilot. And he was _good_ at it, too. So, you know. He thought he was immortal or something. The war was real enough for him, but reality didn't land for any of us until Muran's death. So, he was-... I don't know if selfish is the right word for it.”

“Inexperienced,” Finn groaned. “Immature.”

“Immature to a fault,” she grimaced. “He wasn't _too_ terrible. Or maybe I was just terrible, too- Anyway! No, yeah, that's the past. I'm sure he's fine. Normal Poe with extra sarcasm. That's all.”

_Extra?_ “Poe has sarcasm pouring out of his ears on a normal day.”

“You'll live,” she laughed and tugged him up by the arm to stand. “There you go. Come on, man. It'll be okay. Just, like I said, knock sense around and stuff.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said again, following her out to the loading dock of the ship. Out on the tarmac stood Poe and L'ulo looking far too serious for the occasion... This was going to be a very long and stressful few weeks. He sighed and grabbed on to the O2 vent in the ceiling as Karé walked out of the ship. “Dameron.” Like a jolt, Poe whipped his head towards him, wide eyes and all. Finn just wanted to get this all done. “We have a long trip. You wanna get going today?” And most of all, he wanted to get this done with as few serious conversations as possible. L'ulo didn't look offended at the interruption, at least.

Poe, however, glowered for a second before replacing it with a smirk. “Actually,” he began in that sickeningly too sweet voice he had when he was pissed, “I just remembered that I hadn't had breakfast yet. Keep the engines running for me? Shouldn't be more than, oh, three hours.”

Finn was about to agree to just that, planning to refuse any departure from base until Poe was finished with his _three hour long_ meal, but Karé stepped in and punched the other pilot in the shoulder. “Stop being a brat” she said with a smile. “You better get up there before Finn drags you in.”

BB whistled like that was something he really wanted to see. Finn just huffed.

Poe, for his part, just rolled his eyes and groaned, “Yeah, all right. Let's go, BB.”

<Yay!> The droid shrieked again, rolling back into the ship and to the cockpit. <Mission Time! Mission Time! Mission Time!>

The pilot followed slowly but stopped halfway inside. Finn nearly grumbled about it, but the look on the other man's face seemed like his pause was a genuine worry. “Wait, hold on,” Poe said turning back around to Karé and L'ulo. Finn sighed but hoped the other didn't hear it. “I really do have a question. Who made these blueprints? Should I return them before I go?” To show what he meant, Poe lifted the pack on his shoulder. Poking out of the unzipped side were the blueprints of ships that Poe had been pouring over for months, things he drew up himself.

Finn didn't know how to take this revelation. He didn't even remember that. He didn't even remember his own handwriting anymore.

Karé took it differently and just laughed. “Poe, moron, _you_ drew those up.”

“I _what_!?”

The reaction was pretty funny, though, and Finn found himself smiling. “Come on, flyboy. You can drool over them on the way,” he chuckled, the words slipping out before he could even think to stop them while finding he actually didn't care. Still, he turned towards the cockpit instead of facing Poe.

When BB saw him enter, the droid yelled for his master. <FRIEND-POE! COME ON! IT'S MISSION TIME!>

“I'm coming! I-” At the hesitation in his voice, Finn stopped to turn back and look at him. Poe was facing out of the ship, back at L'ulo. And Finn couldn't really blame him. Four years was nothing to L'ulo but the same couldn't be guaranteed for his father. He was leaving one constant for the uncertainty of another. Finn knew the move was for the best, but Poe didn't yet. “Um,” he began awkwardly, perpetually terrible with goodbyes, “See ya around?”

BB-8 already started closing up the ship, but Finn heard the Duros reply with, “May the force be with you, kid.”

Finn went into the cockpit to give Poe a little space.

Priming the engines in the old bucket Leia was allowing them to borrow took about ten minutes to do. Poe finally made his way into the cockpit when they were done and ready. The pilot fell into the copilot's seat with a big, mischievous smirk on his face, legs dangling over the arm rest. Finn was conflicted between relief that he seemed okay and dread for whatever was about to come out of his mouth. “Hey, cutie,” was the first words Poe decided to say.

Finn actually considered playing along with the flirting just to make the trip and whatever time they had to spin together easier, but the weight in the pit of his stomach hurt too much to allow him even that. He was nothing to Poe anymore. “Don't call me-” he was about to ask, but remembered that Poe hated to be the passenger in a ship. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, _you_ , my handsome companion-”

Finn grimaced. “Don't call me-”

The pilot interrupted him, and he should have predicted that. “-are shuttling me out to Yavin IV for two weeks of sitting around and, what I can only assume, glaring at each other while we both envision getting physical, both romantically and violently-”

“I _meant_ ,” Finn growled, cutting Poe off in turn, “what are you doing _up here_? I can't fly with you right there.”

“Why?” Poe smirked broader as the other realized how that sounded. “Am I _that_ distracting?”

“Yes,” he answered flatly. “You are. You're going to sit there and correct every single damn move I make.” Even when they were in love and getting along, Poe just couldn't seem to help himself with the back seat driving.

Poe just shrugged. “Not my fault if you do everything wrong, buddy.”

The sarcasm was fine, but it was the name again that bothered him worse than the others. This one wasn't meant to be needling away at Finn's nerves. It was just something Poe called everyone that he liked. But there was something about it that was too familiar, too common. Perhaps it was a bit irrational, but he didn't like that name either. It's what Poe _used_ to call him. “Don't call me that either,” he offered quietly, distracting himself with starting the lift off procedure.

“What?” Poe predictably scoffed, but Finn didn't look at him. “We're not even buddies now? _Come on_ , kid. You're killing me.”

And he sure as hell wasn't a kid. Not to Poe. “ _Don't_ call-” He stopped, finding that he was being a little unreasonable maybe. Poe wasn't how he used to be. Why did Finn have to make it worse? Even so, he couldn't change how he felt. The wound was still fresh, and Poe pouring salt all over it wasn't helping. The fact was, he just couldn't handle this stuff right now. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes as the ship started ascending. “Just go in the back, Commander.”

“Nah, I'm comfy here,” Poe responded in far too sweet of a voice again. “Unless that was an order, of course. While we're at it, would you like me to keep my clothes _on_ or-?”

Really not wanting him to finish that train of thought, Finn quickly jumped in. “ _Fine_.” He took another breath and restarted. “Stay there. Just, please, shut up.” Especially if he was planning on being so blunt about his thoughts.

“You obviously don't know me that well,” Poe started, and the other was already rolling his eyes. “You gonna prime the hyper drive there, buddy?”

That's it. _That's it._ That was it! “BB!” Finn practically yelled, finally giving in enough to ask for help. Though he hated it. Gods, he hated it.

The droid, however, seemed to relish in finally being called upon. His little dome zipped over to glare down at his own master. <You're interrupting Friend-Finn's mission!>

Poe, shocked, just gaped at the obvious betrayal happening right in front of him. “Friend _who_?” Without responding, BB was already tasing him. Finn winced when Poe yelped. “ _AH!_ Fuck! Okay! Fuck! Put that away! Who's side are you-!? _AH! BB!_ Stop it! I'm leaving! I'm leaving!”

As BB-8 chased Poe into the back, Finn let out a deep groan and rested his head on the console. This was going to be a long trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone mentioned in the last fic that BB-8 talking in third person was a little weird to them. Don't recall who that was, but there's your easter egg, buddy.
> 
> If you can't tell, we're starting to dive into what someone once called “misery porn” territory, lol. If you didn't read the first one and you don't care for angst, I guess this is the warning to turn back. The whole thing is an angst parade, really. Also, I'm not totally sure this one's going to be shorter anymore. We'll see.
> 
> Also, yeah, Finn blaming himself is going to stop soon. Don't fret too much about that, fam. ♥
> 
> Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

The hyper space travel was nerve wracking. Poe was in the back, and the whole ship had been silent since he had been chased there. It should have been a relaxing break for Finn to get his thoughts in order but it only felt like the calm before the storm. Poe was still there, the trip wasn't over yet, and Finn was worried about what else could happen between them before landing.

He eased the ship out of hyper space, recalling the day Poe had taught him how to do just that. The pilot had had some sort of ulterior kinky plan in his mind that Finn knew about the entire time and played innocent. Poe had put his hand over Finn's on the lever and slowly eased them back into a reasonable speed, the pilot getting closer to Finn and whispering in his ear the whole time. That was a great trip.

Finn scowled at the lever, let out a held breath, and focused his sight on the blueish-green marble of Yavin IV. They hadn't been to the moon in a long time. Finn was both dreading and looking forward to it. He really had missed Kes and the ranch. Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible.

“We're here!” Poe yelled with joy as he suddenly entered the cockpit again. “We're home! We're here!”

Finn let out a groan from the outburst but was at least happy that Poe was happy. “Yes, Poe. We're almost there.” Somehow, he still had a feeling that the outburst was made in the hopes of just annoying him, though, so he wasn't that thrilled.

Poe fell back into the copilot's seat again, a big grin on his face that did actually seem pretty genuine. “I'm so excited,” the pilot practically giggled, and Finn let a little grin pass his features. “Eat some real food, catch up with old friends, check on the livestock, visit the old temples again, hiking, swimming, my old _room_ \- Ah. It's gonna be great. Where do you hail from, buddy?”

Finn glanced over to him at the question. That was another thing he didn't want to come up between them. Trying to not give too much away, he looked back to the approaching moon. “Somewhere cold,” he answered, not really knowing himself if he meant the climate or the people. He wasn't so excited as to tell Poe about his past yet, especially if they were going to be stuck together.

Instead of pushing the issue, Poe just scoffed. “ _Cold?_ Buddy, you're gonna dehydrate as soon as we step off this thing. The humidity on Yavin IV's a killer, then there's monsoon season which is the only time it ever cools off, if you call it that. I can see it now. If the humidity doesn't get you, the mosquitoes will. Big as my head, those things!”

Big... as his head. Finn tried to keep a blank face but couldn't help rolling his eyes. Of course Poe didn't know that Finn had been there a lot or even practically considered it a second home. Or his real home.

BB-8 thankfully derailed that trail of thought. <Friend-Finn is familiar with Yavin IV's weather patterns and animal life.>

Poe's eyes widened a little, looking back up to Finn. “You've been to Yavin IV before?”

He just shrugged back, not wanting to give too much away this time just for a little payback. “Once or twice.”

“Once or twice!” Poe laughed, jumping back out of his chair as they began to descend through the atmosphere and clapping Finn on the shoulder. The sudden closeness startled him, and Finn was a little ashamed that he flinched away from the contact. Thankfully, Poe didn't bring attention to it. “Honey, you haven't been to Yavin's best moon until you've survived a week on nothing but my dad's bean chili. Former Rebellion soldier, ya know? Guy's touch as nails, buddy. You don't-”

He tried to keep quiet and let it pass. He didn't want to fight. The _honey_ , the _buddy_ , all of the pet names- They stung. “Can you-” he interrupted, then stopped himself, wondering if this was a wise move. “Can you _please_ just stop calling me-?”

Poe laughed again. Finn turned away to stare out at the moon. “What would you _like_ me to call you, sugar pie? Sweet dumpling? Honey badger?”

Every little stab slowly twisted into anger until he was back to scowling again. He didn't want to fight. “I have a _name_ ,” he found himself growling, looking back to Poe. “Use it.”

Was respect _that_ hard? He knew Poe was hurting but he couldn't let himself be the other man's punching bag, no matter how badly Dameron might have needed the outlet. Finn was hurting, too.

Not that Poe even knew that. He didn't know anything anymore.

Like now, as his eyes turned serious though that smirk still stayed in place. “ _Finn_ ,” he said, drawing the word out like it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. Then he turned away. “Fine. Be boring.” Poe stormed right back out of the cockpit.

That went well.

Finn took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and slowly let it out. He couldn't think too much about the conversation. He couldn't let that get to him. He had to focus on flying the ship down.

BB-8, however, warbled something low to himself before leaving the cockpit, too, before they could talk about letting the issue go. He didn't want to escalate it any more than it already was. Poe just didn't know. He didn't know, because Finn wasn't telling him. It was his fault anyway.

But his name wasn't stupid. It wasn't boring. It was his name. He said it to himself, whispering it hardly loud enough to hear. _Finn_.

He had to stop dwelling on it. Poe didn't know. That's all there was to it.

Coordinates were sent to him from the late Shara Bey's old droid, R5-A3, and Finn decided to just focus on going back home. He knew the coordinates by heart at this point, something he had picked up along the way, but it was more of a greeting and confirmation than anything. A3 was pretty sweet like that. But Finn still didn't feel much of the joy he thought he would, which wasn't planned to be much to begin with. He was worried. Worried about Poe's condition, worried about Poe's new temper, worried that this wasn't his home anymore, worried that this would be the last time he could stay at the ranch as family-

He flexed his hands and went in for the landing. The field in front of the Dameron property had been cleared a long time ago for more settlers, though no one ever took to the land. Kes still kept it up despite it not even being his. He had an agreement with the owner to allow his Resistance Ace Pilot son to land his crafts there. Actually, Finn wasn't totally convinced that Kes _didn't_ buy the property and just didn't say anything.

Regardless, he touched the craft down nice and slow, jolting a little as they hit the ground. Predictably, a curse was heard from the back of the ship. “Hey, do you fucking mind!?”

Finn smirked despite himself. “Did the Republic Navy not teach you to strap in for landing, Commander?”

There was no answer, so Finn just started on killing the engines and taking off his own harness. He found himself in no real hurry to get up and start on this big adventure. He was already exhausted.

Of course, that's when BB started beeping away at his side. When did the droid come back in? “Uh-” His binary wasn't all that great, so Finn hadn't heard a thing the droid had said. So he guessed. “Kes and A3 are meeting us. At least, they sent coordinates earlier-”

BB let out a happy squeal and rolled back to the cabin of the ship. At least one of them was happy. Finn just sighed, stood, and got his things together.

Once he finally got up enough nerve to walk out into the cabin, all he found was Poe standing in the middle of the space, nervously staring at the cycling loading ramp that was getting ready to lower. He didn't really like Poe being angry and mean but he didn't like him looking nervous and scared either. “Stop fretting so much,” he offered quietly. As long as Finn had known the ranch over the last two years, nothing much had changed. He knew Poe would be grateful for that much.

Instead, Dameron swallowed and scoffed, clearly trying to put on a little bravado. Gods, he really was young. “I'm not _fretting_. I grew up here, hotshot. Sorry. Finn.” The other rolled his eyes again and turned away, not allowing that to hurt him, too. But Poe just kept going. “Maybe you should start, though. Like I said, tough as nails. He's hard to get along with around certain people. And since you've been, well, _you_ -”

Finn just cut him off right there. “Time to put your money where your big mouth is, Commander,” he muttered as the loading ramp finally opened.

Poe fidgeted for a second but finally stepped forward while Finn hung back, wanting to give them some time to themselves. But Poe stopped at the top of the ramp, and he couldn't help but get a little worried about the pause. As Poe stared outside, a familiar voice finally answered back. “You gonna stand there gawkin' all day?”

As many arguments as they had gotten in over the last couple of days, Finn couldn't help the wide smile at hearing Kes' voice without the usual filtering static. Poe must have thought something similar because he nearly flew down the ramp and into the lush environment that was Yavin IV.

Finn stepped forward and took a deep breath of the fresh air, finding Poe clinging to his father for dear life. At least the trip had been worth it. Poe needed this. As much trouble as it had been, Finn was happy to see the relief.

Then, just as quickly, Poe backed away, the bravado coming back two fold. “Sorry, sorry,” he apologized, trying to school himself back into the aloof act. “Got a little... carried away.”

“It's all right,” Kes chuckled, seeing through the act, too. He put a gentle and loving hand to Poe's cheek... and Finn suddenly felt a little jealous of their relationship but quickly shut that feeling down. “Heard you've had a rough few days.”

“Pretty big understatement, dad,” Poe muttered then sighed. “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too, kid,” Kes said, ruffling his hair a little. “We'll get you fixed up. You'll see.”

“Yeah,” Poe sighed again, seeming to believe that promise about as much as Finn did.

Speaking of, he didn't want to intrude on this so he felt it best to leave the party early. Finn stepped off of the ship and finally approached Kes. For his part, the older man also looked genuinely happy to see him. He didn't want to think about _losing_ this. He had lost Poe, that was over. He didn't want to lose his family, too. “Hey, Kes,” he said, trying to put on a little smile.

Kes pulled him into a one armed hug, not letting go of Poe but clearly opening up for Finn as well. It was so familiar that he just fell into it without thinking too hard until the older man muttered, “Hey, son.” Finn held him back tightly. “Glad you're here.”

Maybe... he wouldn't have to lose everything. If he didn't manage to push them away, maybe he could find a way to salvage some of his life, some of his future.

Finn let go first and stepped back, ducking his head a little and nodding with a smile he couldn't suppress. “I'm gonna go get BB settled in,” he said quietly, just for them, “let you have a minute.”

“Go ahead. Got food on the stove if you're hungry. Help yourself.”

Of course he had a meal already prepared. “I'll wait for you two. Thanks,” he said with a smile and a little shake of his head.

In truth, this was probably the happiest he felt since the accident. Even still, it was so bittersweet.

Finn walked away from the pair, nodding for the droids to follow. The old astromech, R5-A3, had been listening quietly to all of the stories BB-8 was spilling out. In fact, he was so old, that he was probably just staring and not catching a single word, but he turned as Finn patted his hand over the old droid's dome. “Hey, A3.”

<Welcome home, Young-Companion> the droid answered lowly, warmly, and Finn smiled softly back. As he walked around them to head towards the house, he found that the droids were happily following, flanking him on either side.

Behind him, he heard Poe give a whiny, self-depreciating cry. “You _know_ him?”

Finn almost laughed, but the question somehow ruined what little of a mood he had. He sighed and kicked his boots against the porch to knock the mud off before entering the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but old scenes this week. You guys seem to like both, so yay. I decided to stop there so that we could try to keep the chapters consistent with the scenes in the last fic. I figure that'll fall apart later on at some point, but 2kish words isn't too bad for one chapter.
> 
> Kes and Finn are finally going to have a heart to heart in the next chapter. I know I'm looking forward to it.
> 
> Thank you for reading. ♥ (I type with way too many hearts. I'm sorry.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has the doctor visit part, for those of you who read the last fic. It was quite the controversy last time, so I suppose this is your warning that they're both human and they both make mistakes. Things just get a little rough for a minute.

This probably wasn't the best way to cope, but he told himself that he deserved it. Finn knocked back the shot just the way Snap taught him to at a party a few years back. His reaction was the same, though. Nearly choking, he gulped it all done with minimal coughing before bending forward, gasping in deep breaths.

“You never did do too well with that,” Kes sighed, pouring more into Finn's empty glass. “How was the trip?” He'd already asked both of them but he actually seemed to want the truth this time.

Finn sighed, just leaning back to put all of his weight against the chair and float there for a minute, eyes closed, allowing the whiskey to warm him as much as it could. “Mostly quiet,” he answered truthfully. “He kept trying to get under my skin. He's insecure as all hell right now, and I can't tell if he wants a punching bag or a distraction or both.”

“Good thing you're neither of those things,” Kes answered, sipping at his own glass and relaxing in the chair. He didn't react when Finn scoffed at him and rolled his eyes. “Dinner didn't go too bad.”

Finn groaned. “Yeah, don't remind me.”

The older man shrugged. “It wasn't.” When the other huffed, he tried continuing. “I mean, it was awkward as hell, sure. He barely spoke two words through the whole thing, but I don't think that's a problem with you.”

“How's that?” Finn asked sarcastically. He thought bringing Poe back to Yavin IV would relax him a little bit. As it were, he just seemed more uncomfortable. They were currently trying to give him a minute to get his bearings with the familiar surroundings, so of course they were hiding in the guest room with a bottle of booze. What else could they do?

“It was my fault,” Kes said, leaning forward against the small table tucked into the corner. “I told him about Miri. He's probably in his room having an existential breakdown right about now.” When Finn groaned and ran a hand down his face, he apparently thought he could try salvaging the conversation. “You said I could,” he argued, sounding _way_ too much like his son, “and besides, I wanted to get it out of the way quick. Like you said, he'd find out eventually.”

Finn let out another deep sigh. “No, you're right. You did the right thing.” He paused and then, “How did he react to it? At first, I mean.”

Kes grimaced and looked down at the glass in his hands. “He fell out in the grass and stayed there for a while.”

“Has he gotten _more_ dramatic to you?”

“He's definitely regressed, yeah.”

Finn grimaced and tried taking another sip of the harsh, bitter liquor before remembering why he didn't drink often. It definitely took the edge off, but the taste was a bit much for him to take. He swallowed hard and set it to the side. “He's got an appointment tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Kes absently answered, staring down at his own drink. Then he blinked and looked at Finn with concern. “You're coming, too, right?”

He really didn't know. He wanted to. He wanted to know what they'd say and be there when they said it, but Poe would more than likely be very uncomfortable with his presence. Instead, Finn shrugged, unsure. He didn't want Poe lying to the doctors about his health just to try creating a macho look for himself all because Finn was there. That wouldn't help anyone.

“You should,” Kes interjected, derailing almost all of his reasoning. “You know more about what the Resistance medics said than I do. And, let's face it, you've been around him more in the last two years than I have.”

“He's missing four of them, though,” Finn argued, shaking his head, “You know this Poe better than me.” He didn't like thinking of like that, like there was _his_ Poe and this one, but there it was. He sighed. “I'll think about it. If he doesn't want me along, I won't go. The doctors are probably going to stress him out enough.”

After taking a deep breath, the older man conceded. “Yeah, okay.” He took another sip and tilted his head back to look at the ceiling. “You said before there were things we should avoid talking about around him.”

He had been dreading this conversation since he first realized he needed to have it. Finn scratched at his scalp and ran his hand over the back of his neck, awkwardly looking away. “The doctor said that all the trauma in his past might trigger panic attacks. She thinks that if he gradually remembered on his own, it'll be better than outright telling him.” He shook his head and faced forward again. “I'm basically avoiding telling him everything at this point.”

Kes huffed. “I don't understand the harm in telling him that you two were... well, _closer_ , to put it in simple terms. Wouldn't it help him to know he had more people in his corner than he's thinking?”

“I don't want to pressure him with relationships he doesn't remember right now.” Because that would be hell for the both of them. He knew that Poe already felt like he couldn't fill the shoes that the Resistance expected of him. He didn't need a boyfriend in the mix of all that. Plus- “There's my past, too,” he added. “I don't want to see his reaction if someone told him that I was a Stormtrooper back in the day.”

“Ah,” Kes sighed. “Yeah, okay. I didn't think about that.”

Finn let a held breath out through his nose and tried to calm down, moving his thoughts to other problems. “Snap told him about his friend in the Republic dying, so he's also trying to deal with that. Probably still best not to mention it, but I know he's having a hard time processing that it happened. I think one of the last things he remembers was talking to him.”

“You mean that Muran kid?”

Finn nodded solemnly then took another deep breath. “Probably shouldn't mention too much about Luke Skywalker, either. Or the force or any of that. Nothing about... Jakku or the Finalizer. Kylo Ren. The First Order. None of that.”

“That's where you met him, isn't it?” Kes asked him. “On that ship you mentioned.”

It had been Poe's decision to not tell his family everything that happened on the Finalizer. All they knew was that he had been captured and saved by a Stormtrooper. Finn had always assumed that Kes or Miri, former Rebellion soldiers, would be able to fill in the blanks for themselves but they hadn't. Well, Kes hadn't. It was probably less about logic and more about being unable to face the truth. Poe had said he didn't want to worry his dad with it. Kylo Ren had happened and that was that. No sense in bringing it up again.

Finn hadn't entirely agreed, knowing that Poe had never really gotten over it and could use more people to talk to. But, in the end, he complied with his wishes. He just hoped it wouldn't be a struggle to continue doing that now. “Yeah,” he said and took another sip.

If Kes did suspect anything, he didn't mention it. “Anything else?”

“The Hosnian System,” Finn answered, shaking his head. “Otherwise, just basic stuff. Missions, the people we've lost, things like that.”

“He was stationed on Hosnian Prime when he was with the Republic,” Kes mentioned while the other nodded. “Then there's Miri-... That's a hard topic to go around.”

“I believe in us,” Finn answered, giving in and taking another quick gulp of the drink. He paused to get his breath back under control. “What time tomorrow?”

Kes' only reaction to the change in Finn's earlier answer was a small upturn of one corner of his lips. “Early. I'll wake you. Don't worry about it.”

“Should get unpacked,” he said, cradling his head against the table, trying to hint that he wanted to be alone now.

There was no doubt that the hint landed. Kes knew what he wanted, but he topped off Finn's glass anyway. “Yeah, probably so.”

He didn't have the energy to roll his eyes that time. “You trying to get me drunk, old man?”

“Drunk enough to talk, yeah,” Kes admitted easily.

Finn scowled at him, his mood instantly souring. At least the sadness had been quickly replaced with annoyance, though. “Don't.”

The other man shrugged. “Or just drunk,” he replied, taking another sip and topping off his own glass as well.

“I'm all right,” he repeated, but it all clicked together when Kes shrugged again. Finn brought his glass down on to the table hard and straightened up in his seat. “You talked to L'ulo.” While the other man froze, Finn just groaned. “ _Dammit_. I can't tell any of you anything, can I?”

“All he told me was that you were taking it pretty hard,” Kes defended, going back to his drink and shrugging one more time. “That's all.”

“How am I _supposed_ to take it, Kes?”

The older man, suddenly exasperated, waved his arms and rolled his head back to the ceiling. “ _Hard_. You're _supposed_ to not be all right and okay and fine and all the other bullshit you've been telling people. Of course you're upset. You're acting like you aren't _allowed_ to be upset.” Finn leaned back and pushed his glass away. “You think I don't know my son can be a dick? Because I can tell he's acting like a dick towards you.” Finn looked at the wall.

Kes groaned and straightened up in his chair a little better. “Look at me.” Without having to wait long, their eyes met again, and he continued. “I'm worried about him, obviously, and I'm here for him. I _want_ to help him. That doesn't mean there's no room to spare for you. You're _both_ going through this. You're _both_ having a hard time. Worse than that, you don't have each other to go through it with. I can love and care for him while loving and caring for you, all right?” Finn took in a shaky breath, and Kes grabbed a firm hold on his arm. They had never had very serious conversations before or really been all that close. Even so- “You're family, too. I'm here for you both... Okay?”

Finn nodded and ducked his head, running his hands over the back of his neck again in a terrible effort to try composing himself. “Okay.” _Family_. He was still family.

But what was that without Poe?

“Troopers never remembered,” Finn admitted quietly, staring down at his lap. “After reconditioning, it was just- just-” Nothing. Just nothing.

“This wasn't reconditioning. It was an accident,” Kes calmly soothed, though this was the first time Finn had ever talked to him about his past like that. “He'll remember. And if he doesn't, then he'll just have to go through all the good things all over again.”

“He hates me.”

“He's afraid of you,” the other corrected. “You knew him before, and he knows it. He doesn't know what to think of it.”

That wasn't much better, though. “I don't want him to be afraid of me.”

“It won't last long,” Kes sighed, squeezing his arm again. “You'll see.”

That didn't change how he felt now, but he just nodded and let it be. The best solution would clearly just be for them to talk, but Finn didn't know how to do that after avoiding the other man since he had been hurt. “I need a minute.”

Kes stood, leaving the bottle on the table, and patted Finn on the shoulder. “Get some rest. I'll wake you in the morning.”

Finn nodded as he finally left. The rest of his night was spent sipping idly at the whiskey and watching the stars pass through the night sky from his window. He finally fell asleep after the first rays of dawn broke through the trees, Kes waking him not two hours later.

* * *

“How are you sleeping?” the doctor asked.

“Like a log,” Poe easily replied.

Finn closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten. As expected, Poe had put on a horribly fake bravado and kept it going all morning. He wasn't sure if the doctor or Kes saw through it, but the lying was grating on Finn's last frayed nerves. Lying to the _doctor_ just to look _cool_? How did Poe survive for as long as he had?

“What about the pain?” Dr. Kzell asked, his large Arconan eyes blinking up at Poe after tapping something on his tablet. Finn had made sure that Kalonia sent all of Poe's records ahead of them and he was happy to see that this guy was using the information thoroughly. “Were you prescribed anything to manage it?”

“No meds,” Poe answered truthfully... because he was supposed to get medication _here_. “Pain's not bothering me anymore.”

“Any dizzy spells? Coordination problems?”

“Nah. Fit as a fiddle.” Another lie. Poe had gotten a light green complexion on the trip over. He had definitely gotten dizzy.

The doctor just nodded. “And your memories?”

At this, Poe finally grimaced and took the question a little more seriously. “Nothing yet.” Finn looked down at the floor.

Kzell huffed, grumbled, nodded, and typed in something else on the tablet. “I'm going to check your eyesight before you leave, Poe, just to make sure there's nothing wrong that could induce migraines. As for the last few years, I'm sure your doctors explained it all.” He sighed and looked back at Poe with a lot more sympathy in his yellow eyes. “It could come back all at once, as these things tend to happen, or slowly over time. I've been told that there has been significant trauma in the years that you're missing. I'd like to prescribe a low dose of anxiety medication, in case a flashback triggers a panic attack.”

Again, they seemed to be avoiding the topic of Poe never getting his memories back. Perhaps if he believed it, they thought it would have a higher chance of happening? But wasn't this also giving him false hope?

Before Finn could think further on it, his thoughts nearly spiraling away from him, Poe cut in with a sneer. “I don't need it.” Finn blinked... Was he talking about the medicine? Seriously?

“It'll be there if you do,” Kzell answered firmly before waving to Kes for him to follow. With one last glance between them all, the two of them walked out of the room. Evidently, there was more, probably the possibility of no memories or something. Seemed like Finn had been regulated to watch over Poe in the meantime.

When the door closed, Finn moved away from Poe and the bed he was sitting on to fall into one of the chairs against the wall. He couldn't help that he was tired and angry, though. His arms were crossed tight over his chest, and he found himself glaring up at Poe a bit too much. He wanted to berate the other man to hell and back for lying like that when things were this serious but he didn't. He couldn't. Poe would just sneer and grin and turn it into a mocking argument, so he just stayed quiet.

Poe, however, couldn't keep his mouth shut. Some things never changed. “See something you like, pretty boy?” he asked with a deep frown, anger already coming off of him.

Gods, he should have stayed home. For now, he said nothing and just stared back.

Poe seemed to like that less. “You got a problem?”

Silence. What could he tell him that wasn't a sharp reprimand and the beginning of a yelling match?

Instead of backing down, Poe shifted his jaw and hopped off of the table, walking slowly and confidently over to Finn until he stood between his legs. “You sure about that?” He wanted to fight, clearly. Or do something else. He had mentioned before something about them getting physical and maybe that really was what he needed. Something to _do_. Something to take his mind off of the accident and his injury. Something to pour everything he felt into, because Poe was never much for getting too deep about his feelings.

But Finn wouldn't be that for him. He couldn't. His heart wouldn't be able to take it. The _doctor_ on the other hand-

Finn smirked a little, not feeling anything _good_ in himself except for maybe a victory in the near future, and stood up. He didn't have much height on Poe over the recent years but he did work out more than the pilot did. It was sort of mandatory what with the Pathfinders and all, but his boyfriend had been very vocal on how much he _used_ to like it. But Kes had said that Poe was afraid of him in some ways. Maybe-

Poe swayed, that green complexion coming back. Finn set his jaw in a mix of anger and worry. “Poe, sit down before you fall down.”

The idiot just grinned back at him. “Or what? You're gonna knock me flat on my back or am I- _shit_ -” Before he could finish the sentence, one of his legs gave out and Poe was close to falling if Finn hadn't caught him in time. He maneuvered Poe over to a chair and pushed him down into it.

This macho act was only making it _worse_. He was being so _stupid_. What did he think he had to prove? Why couldn't he let himself relax? Why wasn't he-?

“I'm fine,” he said weakly, a hand finding his forehead.

He very clearly wasn't. “Yeah, I know,” Finn mumbled.

But Poe licked his lips and glowered back. “I'm _fine_.”

He _wasn't_. Losing his temper, Finn tugged him by the hair to _look_ at him, to shut up, to fucking _listen_. “ _Stop_ with the _bullshit_ ,” he growled, holding him there until it fucking sank in.

Poe just stared at him, face totally blank. No, that wasn't true. He had fear in his eyes, but it wasn't what Finn had expected. There was a submission there, too. A trust. His fear wasn't for Finn. He wanted help.

Didn't he?

This wasn't helping.

Finn let go and moved away as quickly as he could, opening the door and thankfully seeing Kzell and Kes huddled together and talking in hushed murmurs. “Doctor,” he called quietly, gaining their attention. “He wants to talk to you.”

Looking a little surprised, they both came back into the room. While Poe told them the truth – that he wasn't sleeping, that his head was always in pain, that vertigo attacked him at random moments, that he felt medication might be necessary – Finn tucked himself into a corner and stared out the window, watching the gas giant pass through the morning sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go. Now we're only kinda sorta following the structure of the last fic. Prepare yourselves for lots of nerf cuteness coming up pretty soon. I know I'm looking forward to it.
> 
> Thanks, folks. ♥


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as they reached Kes' property and stopped, Finn jumped out of the speeder and left without a word. The ride back from the doctor had been so full of tension that even Kes hadn't tried to break through it. Poe had, predictably, gone from scared to angry at some point when Finn wasn't looking, and poking that fire with a stick would just leave him burned. So he walked away from it, trying to walk off his own heat building up from the entire appointment.

He was angry, because Poe tried to lie to the doctor. He was angry, because Poe was pretending to be okay. He was angry, because Poe looked at him with such fear in his eyes. He was angry that he couldn't help.

That was the worst part. He couldn't _help_. He didn't even know what he could do to help. Poe didn't remember him, didn't really know how to act around him, refused to show any vulnerability near him- How could he help with that?

This was Leia's fault. He was supposed to be on a mission somewhere on the other side of the galaxy taking out his aggression and loneliness and pain on First Order bases. Not here sitting on the side lines while his ex-lover glared at him with such hate and fear like he was Vader born again.

Finn pushed open the front door of the barn with more force than strictly necessary, startling the cattle inside. They hushed and stepped back before putting up an absolute racket once they recognized him. He sighed and massaged his throbbing temple. He couldn't talk to Rey, and Kes was presumably trying to wrangle his son into submission. The nerf were all he had to vent to anymore. In all honesty, he liked confiding in them better. They weren't going to spread rumors or offer advice or encourage him one way or the other. They would always just stare at him, rarely blinking, and wait until he paused to breathe before nudging his shoulder for more grain.

“ _Sorry_ ,” he whined as their grumbling continued. “Sorry, sorry.” He must have woken a lot of them.

All of the stalls were open, but they were creatures of habit and liked to be inside their own little cubicle until they were allowed to roam in the pasture. Only the young ones liked to dance around in the middle of the barn, but Kes didn't seem to have gotten any young ones in the last season. Speaking of calves-...

He walked to the back of the barn and opened the wide door that lead out into the pasture, standing to the side and waiting as most of them slowly wandered out to roam, only a few staying in the stalls.

With most of them gone, Finn walked over to the one of the final stalls in the barn and peered inside. This was his first time checking in on her – actually this was the first time he had been in the barn since they had gotten back on Yavin IV – and he was pretty shocked to see how far along the nerf was. She was lying on her side, twisted around to raise her head up straight and huff at him. He wondered idly if the herd recognized him at all or if they just liked seeing people considering how tame they were.

It was better to believe that they did know him. He liked that plan better.

“How you doing, girl?” he asked her gently from outside the stall. She didn't look agitated at his presense in any way, so he approached a little further inside. She didn't get up, though. Just stared at him. Well, at least she trusted him. Or was something wrong? “You hungry? You're not hurting, are you?”

He got another huff in reply.

Kes had mentioned that she would probably give birth when the low pressure system came in, so they must have arrived on the moon right before monsoon season considering the nerf looked pretty ready to have the kid- er, calf. Heifer. Whatever, he wasn't great with the terminology.

“Guess I'll get you some feed before everyone else eats,” he sighed quietly, figuring that she had first dibs with all things considered. First, though, she looked like she had been in that stall for awhile and needed fresh hay. It probably wasn't good for her to not be walking around, so he made a mental note to ask Kes about it later.

All thoughts of Poe and the doctors were finally out of his mind without Finn having ever realized it. Working with his hands was relaxing and helping others was even better. She may be just a nerf, but he still felt like helping her in any way made that much more of a difference. At some point between barging in and cooing at her, the anger that had bubbled up in his chest had dissipated.

He gathered up a bail of hay, noting that Kes was running low, and hauled it over to her stall, breaking it up and spreading it out, kicking it to where he didn't feel like bending. “I guess everyone here has some sort of problem going on, huh?” he found himself saying. “Not that I didn't know that, of course. Everyone else just likes to keep their problems to themselves. And I get that. I do the same thing. It's just nice to not feel so alone, though, you know? At least you're going to have a bouncing baby... _whatever_ at the end of this. I'm going to have-... I don't know what I'm going to have.”

The unknown was the worst part. Well, no, it wasn't the worst part. Knowing what he could never have again was worse than that. The point was, he had no control over what was happening on Yavin. He might as well have been on mission somewhere. At least he'd be useful to _something_ doing that. Here, he felt... lost. Lost and wounded and helpless.

He paused. That's probably how Poe felt, actually.

Finn let out a deep sigh and continued his work for a few minutes until footsteps approached. He honestly thought it was Kes coming to check in on him, so he froze in shock when he found Poe standing there.

The other man blinked owlishly at him, glancing between Finn and the nerf.“You know, this actually does make you a nerf herder.” Poe flinched and snapped his fingers. “That is _not_ what I came here to say.”

He actually looked like he meant that, poor guy. Kes was right, in a way. Poe was afraid of him, because Finn _was_ the unknown. He was probably... intimidating. And that display at the doctor probably didn't help matters any. Finn sighed, opting to get this out of the way while the other man was in front of him without a glare or a lecherous grin. “Poe, I'm sorry about earlier.”

The other snapped his head up and blinked at him. “Huh?” He hadn't expected an apology, clearly. And that wasn't right. It wasn't fair.

Finn grimaced and walked out of the stall, grabbing a rag hanging off of the gate on the way to wipe his hands and distract himself. “At the doctor's office. I shouldn't have touched you like that- _manhandled_ you like that. I'm sorry. That was wrong.” It didn't matter if Poe remembered everything or not. Finn went too far and he knew it. Poe was _hurting_. He shook his head, disappointed, and stared down at his hands.

There was a moment of silence, Poe shuffling on his feet in one place, before he finally spoke up. “It's-... Apology accepted?”

No, he hadn't expected that. Finn flicked his eyes up and gave one tight nod, hoping to move pass this but not knowing how to do it.

“I'm, uh-” Poe cleared his throat and stuck his hands in his back pockets, the picture of awkward. “I'm sorry if I, uh- Well. I mean, I'm sorry for, you know, making shit more difficult than it had to be. I'm sorry for being an ass. To you. I'm sorry for- You know. Yeah. I'm an asshole.”

He wasn't an asshole. Well, okay, he was sure _acting_ like it, but Finn told himself that there were excuses for his behavior. “It's okay, Poe.” He didn't _want_ to be Poe's punching bag, but he _did_ want Poe to be better. He didn't know any other way to help. He didn't even know if that had been helping at all.

Poe froze for a moment, then shuffled again. “I-... Huh?”

Finn shrugged. “I get it. I mean, I haven't been the most supportive person in the galaxy lately.” Because all he wanted to do was run and abandon him and how was that at all good thoughts to have? “And I know you're scared and pissed off at everything and- I don't know.” Finn sighed and threw the rag down, on the edge of frustration again. “I don't know what I'm saying. But you're going through enough right now and-”

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?”

Dammit. He couldn't help. He couldn't even say anything right. He didn't know what to do. Finn shut his mouth, put his hands deep inside of Poe's jacket, and turned his eyes on the opposite wall.

Meanwhile, Poe was stuttering. “No. No, okay. No. I was being an asshole, and that's not cool, and I'm sorry for acting like that.” Finn looked back at him again, but he was on a roll. “You didn't want to come here. I know you have like a billion and one things to do back at base, and I've just been making shit worse-”

No, he had to interrupt. Poe couldn't think that way about himself. “You're not making-”

“Yes, I am, dammit! Would you just let me finish?” Poe snapped. “Why am I even defending you? No, wait, I didn't say that. Forget I said that. Look.” He took a deep breath and tried to begin again. “I'm sorry for being an ass. If we can, I'd like all this shit to start over so we can at least give my dad some peace of mind when he's stuck between us, okay?”

Finn just stared back at him, a little confused, a lot stunned. Poe seemed really sincere about this. And he really did want to start over. Maybe- No. But maybe. Maybe he remembered something. Just a feeling or an idea or something. Something that said that they weren't like this. Something that said it could be better. And maybe a reset would help. Maybe it could do more than help. He blinked, licked his bottom lip, and nodded. “Okay... Apology accepted.”

Poe blinked and shifted. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Finn repeated, ducking his head to try in vain to hide a very small, very hopeful smile. He was scared to hope, but it felt good.

And besides, Poe was stuttering a little again. “O-Okay.” He cleared his throat and began backing away. “I'll, um, see you at dinner.”

Finn's smile got a little wider but he allowed himself to actually face the other man now. “Okay.”

Poe gulped. “Okay.” Then he turned and was gone.

Finn stood there for a moment and watched the space where the other had been then turned back to the nerf with a huge grin. Maybe this _could_ work.

The nerf just huffed at him.

* * *

It was a few blissful hours later before Finn walked back into the house. He was too early for dinner but didn't particularly feel the need to make himself scarce anymore. After all, that's a lot of what screwed up everything in the first place. His new plan consisted of a happy go lucky attitude of sorts even if he couldn't entirely stamp down on the healthy dose of anxiety at the bottom of his gut. Point was that Finn had decided to try being around a little more. The other way hadn't worked, so what could it hurt?

He went through the back door and took a turn towards the kitchen, stopping short to find Kes staring at him from the living room. Right, okay, he still had to deal with people worrying about him. Finn sighed and continued to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and walked into the living room. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kes repeated, sitting sideways on the couch and watching Finn with his head propped on his chin. He liked to sort of lounge around like a loth-cat, yet another weird trait he shared with his son. “So? You still pretending he's not a total dick to you?”

“He apologized,” Finn answered back, sitting himself down on the couch. “I apologized, too. We're trying to start over.”

Kes hummed at the news but let his arm fall against the cushions. “And what did you have to apologize for?”

“I was a dick, too,” he said, taking a swig of the sweet beer the older man got from a nearby town, just using up the space to waste time and think. “We got into it when you and the doctor left the room.”

“Yeah, I figured. But you got him to talk.”

Finn hummed and nodded this time, not spending a comment on it that would fall on deaf ears. He still should have done something different...

After the silence lasted a bit too long and became apparent that the conversation wouldn't continue, Kes changed direction. “Got a message from your Resistance base. Nothing crucial,” he added when Finn's head popped up. “They said they might be able to relay messages with Skywalker soon. Wanted to let you know.”

Rey. He could talk to Rey. But he blinked. “They just told you that? They literally sent out a message to tell you that?”

Kes snorted. “They used old Republic pathfinder code. Leia's not that dense.”

Finn laughed, the entire feeling of it stretching muscles that he forgot he even had. “No, she's not dense at all.” Maybe it would all work out. Even if Poe never remembered, maybe it would be okay. He ran a hand over his face, still worried about giving in too much to hope, before meeting Kes' eyes again. After a pause, he decided to give a nudge. “There's something else.”

Kes restlessly pulled at stray threads on the couch cushions, mulling his lip while he thought over how to word whatever he wanted to say. (Finn wanted to reach out, stop the older man's hand, and ask how could two people be so alike or if genetics really were that influential.) At length, he took a deep breath. “I think-” He stopped and sagged out the held air. “I think Miri can help. I think she can help more than we can. She knows about this kind of stuff. Hell, I keep asking for her advice anyway. It can't hurt to have her here. Could it?”

“I don't know,” Finn answered honestly. “Did you ask Poe? Or her?”

The other shook his head. “I was going to go see her tomorrow morning.”

“Ask her then,” he advised. “No sense in stressing Poe out if nothing comes of it.”

Kes nodded and let out a deep sigh. “It'll work out.”

“Yeah,” Finn smiled. “I know.” That earned him a look, but he just smiled broader and took another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry that I was late! This weekend was nuts.
> 
> Anyway, we may actually get a little bit of fluff (or just normal conversation) in the next chapter. That's wild. And Miri! We've missed her. Well, I missed her.
> 
> Thanks for reading, as always!


	8. Chapter 8

Finn never thought he'd miss a wake up alarm. In the Order, it was just one big siren that would let loose once. They had to be out of bed and at attention before the alarm would die down. In the Resistance, it was very different. Just a really obnoxious sounding beep that didn't so much demand he be up as much as it politely suggested he think about it. Turning it off and rolling over to squeeze Poe closer to him was probably one of the best things about his new life.

While BB-8 was a great droid, he wasn't exactly the best wake up alarm. Especially when his way of waking someone up was by ramming into their bed over and over.

Finn reached out an arm to stop the insistent bumps. The one time he was sleeping like the dead... “Bee, what are you doing?”

<Friend-Poe kicked BB-8 out of the bedroom! He said he didn't like BB-8's music!>

He blinked and raised his head. “Really?”

<He locked the door!> BB continued, positively offended. <BB-8 didn't want to wake Friend-Finn so BB-8 had been trying to break in but to no avail. Friend-Poe's old locks are still in place.>

Yeah, Poe had gotten paranoid in the last year or so. As he was now, he probably didn't even realize that the locks on his door weren't normal. Finn only knew because he had helped the other man install them. It was better to go along with it rather than argue. So long as Poe felt safe... which he didn't lately.

Finn sighed and rolled on to his back. “What time is it, Bee?”

<Nearly dawn. Friend-Poe kicked BB-8 out nearly two standard hours ago.>

He outright laughed at that before kicking the blankets off and getting out of bed. Might as well get some sort of start on the day. As he dressed, though, he looked down at BB-8. “We're going to let him sleep, okay? He's all right.”

<What if he's not!?> the droid whined. <I'm supposed to keep watch!>

“And you have been. But he's okay. Just needs some rest.”

<But anything could happen! The concussion could form a blood clot that could travel to his brain or his heart and kill him instantly or the vertigo could disorient him as he tries to get out of bed and his foot gets tangled in the sheets and he could hit his head on the table and break his neck or he could have a panic attack and try to get the window open and forgets that we're on the second floor and->

“You're getting a little morbid, BB.”

<-the fall could kill him instantly or he could be stuck on the roof if a strong breeze comes through and closes the window behind him and it locks after he gets outside for fresh air and he could freeze to death or get heat stroke but BB-8 doesn't know because BB-8 hasn't looked at the weather patterns today but he could get struck by lightning or picked up by a cyclone or->

Finn quietly opened one of the droid's panels while he was babbling and deactivated him. The poor thing was on the verge of frying a circuit. More than that, he was starting to make _Finn_ worry, too. He sighed and propped the droid against his bed before finally leaving the room.

He stopped in the hallway, groaned, and turned towards Poe's door. Using the key that the older man had wedged between the trim of the floor, he silently opened the door to peak inside and make sure Poe hadn't indeed brained himself on a table. Sure enough, he was sprawled across his bed, snoring softly.

Before he could get wistful and emotional about it, Finn quickly closed and locked the door back before finally heading for the kitchen.

“Morning,” Kes said when he entered, not even glancing up from pouring caf in his mug. “How'd you sleep.”

“Great until BB-8 decided to flip out,” he groaned, opening a cabinet and grabbing a cup for himself.

Kes laughed and handed over the pot, moving out of the way. “I saw him outside Poe's door with a welding torch. Told him not to burn the house down, but I left him to it. Didn't think he'd go bother you.”

Well that sounded about right. “Guess he thought I'd be the appropriate amount of worried after Poe kicked him out for playing music.” After Kes gave a hearty laugh at that, Finn turned to face him, holding both hands against his warm mug. “Were you leaving soon?”

“Yeah, just trying to wake up,” he yawned. “Thought I'd leave R5 here. He doesn't say it too well but he's pretty worried, too.”

Finn nodded, also catching the double meaning there. Kes knew Finn wasn't planning on staying inside. And, really, he wasn't bothered by it. The nerf needed someone to look after them anyway with Kes leaving. This wasn't running anymore, Finn told himself. It was just something to stay busy.

Then he grimaced. “Hey, could you take BB-8 with you? He could use some fresh air, I think. We can tell him it's an important mission or something.” Poe probably wouldn't mind the little guy being out of his hair for a little while anyway.

“Oh, I see. Push his babbles on the old man,” Kes teased with a smile. “Yeah, I'll bring him along. Who's gonna help you?”

“The nerf,” he answered with a shrug.

Kes just hummed and took a sip of his drink.

* * *

The work was getting kind of mindless at this point. Finn had opened the barn up to the rest of the pasture, changed the hay for the pregnant nerf and gave her plenty of food, then started outside. The poor nerf just wanted to rest all the time, which he couldn't exactly blame her, but she followed him into the open pasture anyway. He was actually kind of grateful. It was good for her to stretch her legs and feel the sun.

He had started gathering up new hay from the barn's loft, made sure all the troughs had plenty of water, and was just starting on feeding the rest of the herd when he heard the back door slam open. While there was feed and hay where it needed to be, he had filled a bucket with grain and was currently passing it between everyone in the herd when he turned around and... froze.

It was Poe. Running to him.

A million scenarios flashed through his mind. Poe had gotten hurt. Kes had gotten hurt. There was an urgent call from Leia. There was an urgent call from Rey. A Star Destroyer was entering the atmosphere.

But no. No, Poe was smiling.

Before he could react or event attempt to figure out what was going on, the older man climbed two rungs on the fence gate to lean his torso over, a glowing smile clear on his face. Wait, had he remem-? “I had a dream!”

A dream. Finn blinked at him, wondering if the concussion was getting worse and opting to just go with it. “That's... really great, Poe.”

“No, no, no.” The other shook his head, nearly falling back on his ass in the process. “I had a _dream_. But I think it was a memory. I think I dreamed a memory. I think it was a flashback. I think I remembered something.”

Finn had totally zoned out on those last few sentences, his mind at a complete halt that was only jostled back to life when the bucket of grain he'd been holding hit the ground at his feet. Poe remembered something? But that's not possible, he told himself. It was impossible. But the rest of him wasn't listening to reason. He wanted to burst into tears and envelope Poe in a crushing hug right there. But he didn't. Because this was impossible. “That's amazing!” he found himself saying anyway. “That's- That's incredible, Poe! What was it? What did you remember?”

Poe's mouth snapped shut and he turned red, which was... an _odd_ reaction. “It was-... Well, uh, it was-...”

Finn laughed, relief rushing through him whether he knew what had happened or not. He could guess, though. Unless the pilot was in the air, he was a terrible cluts. “Embarrassing?”

“ _Private_ ,” the other hissed, “It was _private_.”

“Privately embarrassing?” he teased, unable to help himself. He still wasn't sure about this, but it was worth his attention and congratulations anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to hold on to hope.

Poe, meanwhile, rolled his eyes with a smile lighting his face up again. Gods, Finn had missed his smile. His _real_ smile. “Whatever. The _point_ is,” he chuckled, “that I'm _pretty fairly certain_ that it wasn't just a dream and that I'm _almost kinda sure_ that I'm starting to get my memories back _maybe sorta_.”

That was close enough. That was more than Finn had dared to dream. He laughed at the explanation and shook his head, listening to Poe grumble that he wasn't _that_ funny. “You kinda are,” he argued, wiping the sweat from his brow with a big smile that almost hurt his cheeks. “I really am happy for you, though. You don't even know.” He had _no_ idea.

“And when the doc clears me of the concussion,” Poe continued, “we can _finally_ get out of here.”

Finn dearly remembered when Poe viewed their days on Yavin as something precious and treasured, absolutely no rushing involved. But this was okay. It just meant that he wasn't hardened yet. “Speak for yourself,” he said, picking the bucket of grain up again. “I'm finally starting to _enjoy_ my vacation.” Poe was speaking to him, they were laughing together, memories were trickling back. One of them had to treasure it.

“I thought this was your mission.”

“Let's be real, man. BB-8's taking this _way_ more seriously than I am. I might as well be lounging on a resort planet right now.” Speaking of the droid, he had been very upset with Finn when he was reactivated. After the barage of binary he had gotten, Finn only hoped his processors had cooled off a little.

Poe groaned. “He's definitely going above and beyond,” he said, climbing the last few rungs on the gate until he could sit on top. “Last night, he tried to play a lullaby until I fell asleep but the longer it took me to nod off, the louder he'd turn the damn music. I had to _literally_ kick him out.”

Finn laughed, finally getting the other side of this story. “Oh, I know. He woke me up and told me _all_ about it. I think his exact words were something along the lines of, _If he doesn't want to fall asleep to my selected stylings then perhaps he should sleep outside with the rest of the herd_.” Which was definitely something the droid had grumbled when Kes tossed him into the speeder, still not over it. “I had to manually shut him down before he took your door out.”

The other man laughed, catching Finn off guard for a minute. This was nice. Gods, he had missed this. Even if Poe's memories didn't decide to resurface, this was nice. This was enough. No matter what happened, it actually felt like this was going to be okay.

While his mind wandered off without him, a nerf managed to huff in his face and nuzzle his shoulder. Oh, they were starting to get spoiled. “What? You want hay, too?” Finn sighed and used his shirt to wipe away whatever the nerf just sprayed all over his face. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, letting his shirt drop and moving back to the hay, “I'll get you some.” He put the bucket to the side and pulled the now filthy shirt over his head, draping it on the fence. The humidity on Yavin IV was a killer, but he wasn't about to give Poe the satisfaction of knowing that.

Speaking of, the entire thought of _memories_ was still a thing nudging at the back of his mind and wouldn't go away. That hope wanted to build, and he was afraid of it, finding that he was trying to squash it down and make Poe's over night achievement something insignificant. And that wasn't fair. What if there _was_ something to hope for?

Before his thoughts could get away from him again, Poe screamed. “ _Holy_ _shit_ _!_ ”

Finn, arms awkwardly full of hay, spun around on his heels. If Poe kept up this sort of behavior, Finn was going to lose his mind with panic. That said, there was no legion of Stormtroopers over-running the farm, thankfully. The older man was just staring at him, particularly at his back from the way he was craning his neck with wide eyes.

Right. He didn't remember that either. He didn't remember helping Finn through physical therapy for months. He didn't remember sitting at his bedside just to chat until dawn. He didn't remember any of it. That... sort of put a lot in perspective for Finn.

But- No. He could freak out about it later. Poe looked terrified for him. Finn jerked himself back to the moment. “Oh! Is it my back?” He twisted around a little to see if the scar looked like absolute nightmare fuel or not. He hadn't seen it in a long time. Really, that should have probably been something he mentioned before taking his _shirt off_ in front of him. “I totally forgot about that,” he said in lieu of an apology.

“You _forgot_? _I'm_ the one forgetting shit!” Poe yelled, about to burst, until he caught himself. “Sorry! Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't expect it. I freaked out. I'm sorry. I just- I'm sorry- _How are you alive?_ ”

At least he was still just as smooth as ever. Finn couldn't help but laugh at him. “Bacta. A _whole lot_ of bacta. I had a good supplier.” His _supplier_ was currently sitting on that gate. Kalonia told him months after therapy was over that Poe took on a lot of extra missions to find the amount of bacta needed to stitch up Finn's back properly. Otherwise, the Resistance simply didn't have enough. He never got the full story on that but he was still grateful. Maybe that story was for another time, though. “Plus a ridiculously long recovery period, but I'm fine.”

“You're _fine_?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled again at the wide eyes. “I mean, it knots up sometimes if I don't stretch enough or something, but I'm good. No assistance needed.” Not anymore. That reminded him, though. The low pressure system coming in was probably going to be hell on his back.

“Holy fuck, Finn. You're incredible.”

A laugh burst out of him before he could stop it. _Incredible_. That sounded a lot like the old Poe. _His_ Poe. “No, I'm not,” he said, bringing the nerf more hay and trying to derail that idea for some reason. Probably that whole fear of hope issue. “Just stubborn and lucky.”

Instead of pressing on the praise like he usually would have done, Poe stopped and grew quiet. Finn fed the nerf individually, waiting until the other man got his thoughts in order again. “So...” he eventually heard from the gate, “how'd you get it?”

“Hmm?” Finn looked back at him and thought on that for a moment. The truth was-... _Well-_... “Got in a lightsaber fight with a Sith Lord.” Not exactly a Sith Lord per se, but it was a good enough explanation.

Poe groaned and rolled his eyes, as expected, but smiled all the same. “Fine, hotshot. Don't tell me. I'll remember eventually.” Maybe he would... “I bet it was embarrasing.”

Finn chuckled after he brought up that whole thing again. “Who says you knew before?” he teased.

“Oh, I get it. It was _privately_ embarrassing. Sure.”

He snorted at the lame joke, just absolutely giddy and beside himself with the situation. They were _talking_. They were _laughing_. Finn could probably start crying with joy. Poe had absolutely no idea. It was... _happy_ but also bittersweet. He found himself feeling _a lot_ in the moment and was actually relieved to hear an engine in front of the house. “Oh, thank the Force,” he sighed. “Your dad's finally back. Now you can go bother _him_ with all of your privately embarrassing bullshit.”

“You like my bullshit,” Poe giggled, swinging his legs over the gate and already running back towards the house to tell Kes the good news, too.

Finn needed to follow. He needed a new shirt and to wash off a little bit, maybe start getting some food together since Poe was awake. But he stayed. He needed a minute. There was just some sort of balancing line between grinning so hard that his jaw hurt and rubbing tears out of his eyes with his forearm like it was sweat. He didn't know what to feel.

He opted for just deep breaths.

* * *

It took a few minutes, but Finn calmed down at some point when putting the feed away and securing the pasture again before finally heading inside. He walked through the back door, his gross shirt draped over his shoulder, and nearly ran into BB-8. “Oh, sorry, Bee.”

<Friend-Poe will need sustenance soon->

“Yeah, and you can't reach the stove, I know. Give me a minute,” he sighed, thankful that the droid didn't seem too angry with him anymore.

But he paused when he turned the corner into the kitchen, finding Kes already cracking open a few eggs over a skillet, wide eyes screaming guilt about something. Instead of speaking up, Finn waited for the older man to throw the shells away, wipe his hands on the back of his shirt, and give him a pleading look. “Don't get mad.”

He blinked, running through every outcome he could possibly get mad about, before the truth weighed down on his shoulders. Finn threw his shirt on to the floor and groaned. “You brought her here. _Kes_ , what were you-?”

“How did you even know-?”

“Because you and your son are literally the same person! The only reason I know he's not a clone is because you couldn't fly if someone glued feathers on your back!”

“All right! Okay!” Kes waved his hands, trying to calm the situation down. “It's fine, though. She recommended seeing if he'd be up to it. Doctor knows best, right?” Finn clapped a hand over his eyes with another groan while Kes continued. “And anyway, they're outside talking. I checked on them. It's going good.”

“It is?” It wasn't Miri he was worried about, though. Poe was having a good day, and Finn hoped that the curve ball hadn't ruined that. He grabbed up his shirt and sneaked across the living room quietly, taking a peak through the window over looking the porch. He found Poe sitting out there next to a slender woman in braided hair wearing colorful fabrics, and they were both smiling.

He turned around to look towards the kitchen, finding Kes giving him two thumbs up with the same grin Poe wore when he did something particularly stupid. Finn groaned. “Okay. You get a pass this time, old man.”

“Thank you for your consent,” he laughed, turning back around to the food. “Go wash up. I'll handle breakfast. Gonna let her and Poe decide how long she stays.”

“Okay,” he sighed and began walking down the hall before he paused and backtracked back to the kitchen. He loved and respected Miri, knew that Kes only thought of the best for his son, but this was still eating at him. “Tell me next time, okay?” He knew it had been spur of the moment, but-

“I know,” Kes said without argument, without even looking up. “I will. I promise.”

Feeling better about it, Finn turned around to finally take that well deserved shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so good about being late these days. Anyway, there's some more emotions for everyone. Some of them managed to take me by surprise, too. 
> 
> Next chapter is back into a little bit more angst.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

Something was wrong with Poe.

When Finn saw the other man talking with Miri, he seemed fine. Suddenly, as soon as they sat down to dinner, his mood had plummeted again. He was back to being grouchy and hardly making eye contact with anyone. Yes, it made the whole meal awkward, but Finn was way more worried about what could have soured his mood so fast.

The bad part was that he couldn't _ask_. They had made so much progress in the last day or so, but Poe seemed to have reverted back to his earlier stance on their relationship. If he asked, it would just upset him more.

The only difference was Miri. It didn't seem like the right conclusion to draw but it was the only answer he had. After dinner, Poe retreated back to wherever he typically vanished off to again, so it wasn't like Finn could even _do_ anything to fix it. Trying to move in on Poe's space wouldn't help.

“I can hear you thinking.” Finn turned to find Miri standing on the threshold of the back door. Another problem was that he really genuinely liked Miri. _Loved her_ even. She was somehow exactly what he always pictured a mother to be while at the same time being nothing what he expected. She was caring and gentle but also firm and stubborn. She also had an uncanny ability to know how to care for people despite whatever problem they had. He mentioned the Force to her once, but she just started laughing before he could finish the sentence, so that thought still remained a mystery.

She was from the now exterminated Hosnian Prime, and her style was said to reflect that, though he wouldn't know. Miri was just immediately different from everyone else on the moon, which was probably what pulled Kes to her now that he thought about it. She almost always wore bright, flowing fabrics with lovely and cared for jewelry. Her braided hair flowed over her shoulders and her white eyes pierced through him in the dark. They were even close to the same skin tone, and Finn found himself thinking more than once that maybe she looked like his real mother a little bit.

He had been standing outside, leaning against the railing in the dark under the pretense that he was worried about the pregnant nerf or something. Mostly, he had just wanted fresh air and room to overthink every move he had made since he and Poe parted ways that morning. For now, he took a deep breath. “You sure you don't want me to call Luke to check you out or something?”

Miri laughed and stepped forward to lean against the railing of the porch next to him. He hadn't invited her but he certainly didn't mind the company. “How _is_ your friend doing? Rey, wasn't it?”

Finn nodded, settling in again. “She was doing great last I heard. Been a few months, though. Something about...” At this point, he just shook his head and sighed. “I don't know. Outer Rim. Hutts. Smugglers. All the exciting stuff.”

“I think she's okay,” she told him softly, easing his worry without him ever having to voice it. “If something had happened, you would know.”

“I don't have the Force.”

“Everyone has the Force,” Miri argued, smiling. “What you're thinking of is manipulating it. But you have it and so does she. The connection between you two is as strong as all of us here. You would know, Finn.”

He wasn't about to argue back. She seemed to typically be right about those sort of things. “I don't know if that actually _helps_ -”

Miri laughed and knocked her shoulder against his, letting the quiet of the night come between them for a moment. “I could leave,” she finally said, “but I don't think that will help.”

“What are you talking about?” Instead of answering, she shot him a bland look. Finn sighed. “No, you're right. I don't think it's because of you.”

She hummed next to him. “He was fine when we spoke together, just like his normal self. Something happened between then and dinner.”

And there was no telling and he wasn't paying enough attention and he constantly forgot how bad off Poe was and he wasn't doing enough-

Finn ducked his head and raked a hand through his short hair, shutting down those thoughts quickly. “He's been scared lately. He's probably overthinking something. Again.”

“Like another young man I know,” she said. He gave her a side eye but didn't respond. “Finn,” Miri continued, “the biggest problem with this sort of injury is that there's nothing more that anyone can do. Those are always the worst kind, but... he'll survive this and he'll remember everything when he does. But we can't do anything to make it right. All we can do is provide a safe environment for him to do it on his own.”

He nodded. “I know.” The reminder didn't hurt, though. Blaming himself wasn't helping, that was for sure.

“I know you do,” she responded with a little smile. “Doesn't make it any easier, though, does it?”

He shook his head that time, unwilling to answer from the sudden emotion rising in his throat. He _couldn't_ help. Poe couldn't even trust him enough to confide in or lean on. He felt so useless here, just watching from the sidelines. More than that, he felt guilty that he wanted the memories to come back so badly. Yes, they were important to Poe, but it wasn't like Finn didn't have his own selfish reasons. The attack could have been so much worse. He could have lost his sight, lost a limb, lost his life. And here Finn was getting upset that all Poe lost was him. And that was wrong wrong _wrong_.

No, he was better than this.

Before the train of thought could really pull him down, Miri hooked her arm around his and leaned closer to him, almost hugging him. “Poe has the Force, too. He doesn't remember, but he can feel it between the two of you. With you as his guide, he'll find his way.”

Finn barked a weak laugh at that image. “Sounds ridiculous.” Miri laughed, too, and stayed with him until he managed to compose himself. Maybe it wasn't _that_ ridiculous of a thought.

* * *

Getting a full night's rest helped some, but anxiety still clung to Finn a little bit.

Miri, on the off chance that Poe's mood was because of her, had decided to step out of the house for awhile and give him a break. Worried, Kes went with her, trying to take care of absolutely everyone just like his son.

Finn had stayed behind, of course, but he felt like he couldn't get out of the house quick enough.

Yanking gloves on, he passed by the kitchen on the way to the back door and found Poe sitting by himself, staring at the window with a glower on his face. He knew that the smart thing was to keep walking, but his mouth was ahead of him before his good sense could catch up. “You okay, man?” He wasn't, clearly, of course, but an olive branch couldn't hurt.

Poe, on the other hand, jerked like Finn had just startled him out of his thoughts. That just worried him more... Still, Poe blinked and brought back the frown. “Yeah. I'm good. Why wouldn't I be?”

“You just seem-...” Out of touch. Terrified. Wounded. Alone. “Tense, I guess.”

The frown became a harsh scowl. “Maybe that's just how people react when they forget the last four years, suddenly realize their dad's dating again, get shipped off base due to an injury they can hardly feel, and be thrown in the absolutely _useless_ category. Does that sound a little fucking tense to you?”

Finn shrugged, almost grateful that Poe was allowing himself to let off steam. “More so than usual, I mean.”

The other groaned and covered his eyes, waving a hand back at Finn. “Just go do your thing, nerfherder. I've got my own shit to do.”

The dismissal hurt more than it should have. Instead of saying anything and just making it worse, Finn pulled open the door and left the house. Poe didn't want him around, and it wasn't like he could do anything anyway, so it was just easier to make himself useful with the nerf instead.

It didn't mean that he was able to leave all of his thoughts in the house, too. Finn made it to letting the nerf out into the pasture and feeding the pregnant one in the stall before he paused and finally let himself take a breath.

He knew that Kes was leaving him to the herd because they both thought it would help. And it did to an extent. Having something to do with his hands was distracting and making a difference felt good. _Helping_ felt good right now. But this clearly wasn't what he needed to be doing. It was just a distraction and not helping the problem. But he _couldn't_ help with the problem so-

He kicked the stall gently, more annoyed than truly frustrated. Emotions were beginning to run a little too high in that house. Poe was probably feeling it, too. He had said he had his own stuff to do, but Finn knew he didn't. Doing nothing was probably driving him crazy, too.

Finn toed the dirt against the bottom of the stall, thinking to himself, thinking about Poe and how alone he must feel, how useless he probably felt, how lost and scared and confused, how that bravado was beginning to slip and how much he hated that. He paid a little attention to himself, too, and how much he missed the other man's company, how much he hated it when they fought.

The nerf huffed at him, wanting more grain since he was clearly holding out if he was just going to stand there, but it brought him out of his thoughts enough to realize what he needed to do, at least for now. He needed to talk to Poe. Actually have a damn _talk_. It would probably go badly. Poe didn't like to get very open about his own feelings on a good day, but if Finn opened up a little and proved he wasn't a threat, maybe they could begin to trust each other a little better. Miri said that Finn was his guide to recovery or something like that. How could he guide someone if they were never together? How could he help someone if he allowed them to sit in their own thoughts?

Yes, seeing Poe look at him like a wary stranger hurt more than he cared to admit, but there came a point where he just had to swallow his hurt and face it for the greater good. And there was a greater good here, he had to believe that.

He found himself scratching flaking paint off of the wood as he made up his mind, still standing around and acting like the terrible keeper that the pregnant nerf likely thought him to be. No, he had to confront Poe. Now. Not that afternoon, not tomorrow. He patted the wood and turned away. “I'll be right back.” This was going to _suck_ , but it needed to happen sooner or later.

Finn pulled off the gloves fitfully as he made his way back inside again, the kitchen empty of the person he was looking for. He sighed, dreading actually going into Poe's room, but his breath caught when he heard a _thump_ and a clatter from somewhere in the house. “Poe?” Nothing answered, and another thousand scenarios flitted through his mind as he jogged towards the bedroom. “Poe?” he called again, more urgency behind it this time.

He turned the corner and found one of the last things he expected. The locked drawer of Poe's dresser filled to the brim with sealed momento boxes of his dead pilots was wide open, and Poe had plastered himself against the far wall. Sitting on the floor, knees against his chest, eye's screwed shut, Poe took quick breaths, mumbling things that Finn couldn't string together for a coherent thought. He held Muran's box in a vice grip, the same box he always kept on top of the others and looked at sometimes when he thought no one else was any wiser.

Finn stood in shock at the scene for maybe half a second before he fully realized that Poe was panicking and hyperventilating. Pushing all questions aside (like _how did he find the key after hiding it over a year ago?_ and _why didn't I think about these sooner?_ ), Finn rushed forward and practically tore the box out of Poe's grasping hands. He knelt in front of the other man and dropped the little box behind him, but Poe was only freaking out more now. He kept grasping at air, trying to find the box again as if he were running on instincts alone.

Fuck, this was terrifying. “No, Poe, look at me. I need you to calm down. I'm here. I'm right here. Nothing's going to happen. It's okay. You're okay. Poe, I'm here. Poe!” But he was crying, jerking, fighting, definitely not breathing. It had to _stop_ , and Finn knew this was a bad idea, but it had to _stop_. He took Poe by the shoulders, gripping hard at him. “Poe, stop it! Stop, Poe! _Look at me!_ ”

Poe jerked hard once and froze, eyes finally open wide and staring at Finn with an expression that was totally lost and packed with fear.

Relief still washed over Finn, and his touches quickly switched to gentle and tender. What he really wanted to do was gather the other man up in his arms and cradle him for a few hours until they both felt better, but that wouldn't do anymore. He cupped Poe's jaw, his thumb tracing circles in Poe's cheek as he tried to wipe away some of the tears and bring him back. “You're okay. It's okay. Just breathe. You're safe.” He mimicked slow breathing, trying to get the other man to do the same. “Steady. You're doing perfect. You're doing great, Poe. We're okay.”

After a long moment of slow, even breaths, Poe's eyes finally began to clear again. He was still steadily crying, but it looked more like he knew where he was now. Predictably, he closed his eyes again and buried his head between his knees. Aching to do more, Finn rubbed his back gently, waiting for him to catch his breath. “It's all right, Poe. I've got you,” he said, continuing with the sweet nothings, but... Poe probably didn't appreciate that now. They were still somewhere in the realm of strangers, after all. Instead of trying to comfort with emotion, he tried to find a way to do so with logic. “I see you've found the memorial,” he sighed. “We should talk about it.”

Poe's breathing was shaky as he audibly swallowed a few times. Finn had a second's worth of worry that the other man would be sick, but all he did was ask, “Talk about what?”

Their eyes met again, and Poe looked at him with a vulnerablity Finn hadn't missed. “These aren't your fault,” he answered simply, cutting right to the heart of the matter that he knew Poe was obsessing on. The other man just looked angry at the blunt reply, so Finn waved back at Muran's box as an example. “Your team got a distress signal from the transport carrier while you were on patrol. When you guys got there, you defended the remaining vessel and drove back the First Order. When they jumped, his ship got caught in it. There was nothing you could have done.”

There was a time and place to keep things from Poe. It had become clear that keeping some things secret were just hurting him worse. He could only hope that this wouldn't affect Poe's recovery, but he couldn't leave him in the dark anymore either. To hell with if he ever remembered their relationship or not. Poe was hurting, and Finn wasn't going to sit back and watch anymore.

“You weren't there,” the other stubbornly defended.

“No,” Finn sighed, “but you, Karé, and Iolo all have the same story. This was the First Order's fault. Not yours.” It took a moment, but Finn convinced himself to leave Poe's side as he shuffled over to the open drawer. He waited, showing exactly what he intended to do and leaving the other time to stop him, but still no reply came, so Finn started digging them out. He carefully set the boxes of all those who died in the Starkiller attack to one side and everyone else to the other, intending to go through every single one until Poe felt better about this again.

When he was done, he took the small stack of five boxes and placed each one down at Poe's feet that were tucked against his body, trying to make himself into as small a ball as possible. The tears seemed to have stopped, but Finn wasn't going to mention it. Instead, he pointed to the first two boxes and began. “Sam and Jacque were shot down in two separate dog fights, one three years ago and the other about six months ago. Both times the Resistance was outnumbered ten to one, and both times entire civilizations depended on our victory, and we won both. Selene had a computer malfunction from a shock wave caused by the First Order. She couldn't regain control or eject before crashing. Kerry died while off duty in a bar fight that he started. Nickoli disobeyed your direct orders and engaged with a squadron of TIE Fighters while giving away the rest of your squad's position, but he was the only casualty. None of this was because of you.”

It was hard to tell Poe this before, too. He blamed himself for all of it, in a way, or found a way to blame himself. He felt responsible for his people. It made him an incredible leader, but Finn sometimes wished Leia would stop with the promotions and praise and just stepped back a little. When the war was finally won, Poe would still be fighting it in his mind, as would they all. Guilt didn't help, but there was nothing he could do about that. He wasn't going to hold Poe back, so all he could do was stay beside him through it all just like Poe had been doing for him.

Only now, it was all way too overwhelming.

Poe swallowed thickly again and said, true to form, “I don't remember any of them,” because of course he would still find a way to pack the guilt in there somewhere.

“You will,” Finn said firmly, having none of it.

The other shifted and darted his eyes to the other pile. “So those are the ones that _were_ because of me?”

“No.” Finn frowned, tired of the bravado act but also unwilling to delve much further. He had to but he didn't want to, and it had less to do with the amnesia than it did with just not having this conversation. “The First Order had a weapon once, not unlike the Death Star,” he said carefully, nodding to the twenty or so boxes in the other pile. “It was either destroy or die with the entire galaxy at stake. These people lost their lives in that battle.”

Poe just stared at it for a moment, eyes glassy and lost as if he were trying desperately to relive that nightmare. At length, he blinked back to himself. “Did we win?”

If they hadn't, they'd be dead. Finn allowed himself a small smile. “Yeah, we won.”

After another pause and a deep breath, Poe untangled himself from the ball he was in by the wall and shuffled a little closer to Finn and the boxes. “You knew them?”

Finn very carefully didn't move and stalled at the question, realizing what Poe was really asking and hoping it wasn't going too far. It wasn't like he could deny him anything right now. “I joined around the time news of the First Order's weapon got out. I know of them all, though. The ones I didn't meet, I mean. Heard plenty of stories.” Poe often repeated many of them when they were bored and had little else to talk about.

Then the other man licked his lips and looked around, making sure he was certain before finally coming out with it. “Tell me about them.”

And just like that, Finn started talking. He went through every single box and told what he could of each one without revealing too much that could hurt Poe in the long term, hopefully. Actually, he felt horrible and scared of even doing that much, but he made himself keep talking and just get through it.

After well over an hour of sitting there on the floor, they began putting the little boxes away, accidentally messing up whatever order Poe had previously had them in. (They could do it again later, he told himself, once Poe remembered again.) After that, Finn whisked him out of the house and into the pasture to help him with the cattle, giving him small jobs to do that wouldn't upset him any more than he already was. He probably needed to sleep, but Finn knew he wouldn't anyway.

Once Kes and Miri got back home, Poe retreated to the shed that housed his mother's ship, and Finn didn't see him again until the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna be perpetually late now or something. I'll figure it out eventually. But I am going to try getting a better handle on this fic in order to finish it faster. I have another multi-chap thing I want to do, but I'm going to put it in a different format, if I can. We'll see. That's for later.
> 
> For now, thanks for reading! I hope I can start updating faster very soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up. This is that part. Warning for a panic attack and threats. (I should have been adding warnings before now, though. I'll go back and fix that as soon as I have a minute. Very sorry about that.)

Poe didn't look any better the next morning. Actually, he looked a lot angrier. Finn found him quite early in the morning, sitting at the desk in his room, bent over the blueprints he'd brought along, looking for all the world like he'd been up all night.

Finn knew that the lost pilots was going to bother him but he had hoped that the man would at least get some sleep. “You all right?”

Poe flinched a little, just on this side of jumping but suppressing it at the last second. He straightened up and looked at Finn, grumbling, “I'm fine,” then looked back down at the blueprints again.

So it was going to be that kind of day. Finn grimaced. “You hungry?”

“I'm _fine_ ,” the other growled before the question could even be finished. “Leave me alone, man.”

Right. Finn turned away and left him to it, walking to the kitchen where he ran into Kes getting a glass of water. “Your son stayed up all night looking at those damn blueprints,” he said in way of greeting. “You've already gotten started today?”

“Monsoon's coming,” Kes said, nodding at Finn. “Since I've got you to help with the nerf, I finally have time to reinforce the porch. Last few rains had parts of the yard wanting to wash out.” He paused and watched as Finn started boiling water at the stove. “Is he still upset?”

“I think he's just going to stay upset,” Finn sighed. Without his memories or something to do, why would he calm down? But not sleeping wasn't helping. “I'm going to bring him some food and get to work. You brought the hay over this morning, right?”

Instead of taking the bait and answering the question, Kes swerved into the other point. “Did you eat yet?”

“I'm not hungry,” Finn deflected, pouring the boiling water into a bowl and mixing the grits together, plopping a pad of butter on top. Plain, just like Poe liked it. “I'll get the hay in the barn.”

Kes hummed as Finn exited the kitchen again and walked back to Poe's room. The other man was still hunched into the same position and didn't look up at the intrusion. Finn entertained the thought that he was being ignored, but that wasn't it. Poe didn't know he was there to even ignore him. With a sigh, Finn put the bowl on the desk, watching the other predictably flinch back again even though he had every sign before hand.

He was definitely tired if the way he rubbed his eyes was any indication but Poe was scowling anyway. “I'm _not_ hungry.”

Yes, he was. The problem now was that he wasn't putting on a brave or stubborn face out of fear. He wasn't even trying to put on a facade at all. He was scared and angry and hurting, and all of the emotions were screaming from the look in his eyes. Finn wanted to coddle him and put him back to bed, but that wouldn't do here, not like this. Poe had to do this one on his own.

“Then don't eat it,” Finn said simply, carefully not putting any bark behind it, before turning around and leaving the room again. He couldn't help with this one.

Or was he just telling himself that?

* * *

Putting the hay away was busy work, but with everyone home and Poe not being totally alone, Finn didn't feel so bad about doing it and finally letting his thoughts wander. Eventually, his mind went to Rey and what she could be doing somewhere out in the galaxy. The mission she and Luke Skywalker had been sent on was a hush job, but the radio silence was really annoying this time around. He wondered if they had checked in with base since the accident. He wondered if she knew what had happened to Poe. He wondered what she would do in his situation.

No use dwelling on that, though.

He had started loading the bales of hay in the barn after putting the majority of them into the loft. That had been tiring but rewarding all the same. His muscles ached just like he had run through the obstacle course back at base. Leia would be happy to know that he at least wasn't getting out of shape during his stay on Yavin, despite that Poe usually just slept and ate whenever they managed to take time away.

Speaking of-

When he spied Poe coming to a stop a foot or so away, Finn's first thought was that it was good to see him out and about again, even if he must have been dead on his feet. His second thought wasn't nearly as pleasant. Poe was pale and shaking and anger flashed in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to fight or throw up or both.

Finn dropped the hay bale in his hands and started taking off his gloves. “What's wrong?”

For a long moment, they stood still, Poe clearly _trying_ to breathe evenly. Finn didn't know if approaching him was a welcome idea, so he stayed where he was and allowed Poe to do whatever he needed to do at his own pace. Eventually, finally, he came out with it. “They captured me.”

Finn felt his eyes go wide as shock speared through him. He remembered something. Poe remembered something. “You-” Of course, he remembered _that_. They did warn him that it would probably be more of the tragic stuff. Not knowing what to do, Finn stepped forward and stopped when Poe stepped back.

“I was on a Star Destroyer,” Poe continued, still shaking. “You were there.”

“I was,” he offered softly, trying to calm the other man down in any way he could think. He paused, waited for more, and added, “That's how we met.”

Poe flexed his hand into a fist once, twice, before relaxing again. “You do undercover work?” he asked steadily. “For the Resistance?”

Undercover work? Now Finn was confused. “Wha-” Just as soon as he opened his mouth, the answer hit him.

Despite that, Poe continued. “You were undercover. The Resistance didn't want me singing, or I had something important, and they sent you in to get me out.”

He said it like it was a matter of fact but still searching for confirmation anyway. He hadn't remembered wrong, just wanted to assume something different. Finn couldn't entirely blame him for that, but this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have without context. What a terrible piece to remember without having the rest of it in place. Though, a small part of Finn hoped that Poe remembered him on the Finalizer instead of Kylo Ren. Actually, maybe that part could stay gone. After a long moment, Finn finally answered with, “No.”

Poe visibly clenched his jaw. “I saw you in 'trooper armor... You were wearing their helmet.”

“I was,” Finn answered, taking a deep breath. “I mean, I did. I used to.” This was out of his depth. He didn't know what to do.

And Poe was furious because of course he was furious. “Why didn't you tell me?” he muttered, but Finn felt the dig deep in his chest, the guilt truly coming up like bile now. “Why wasn't that the first thing you told me?”

“I- I didn't-” Dammit, he was wavering, he was losing this. He didn't know that the realization would be like this. He didn't know Poe would be so angry. It made _sense_ , and he should have thought of it, but he hadn't. First, they had to calm down. “I'm sorry, Poe. It happened so long ago. I didn't even think about it like that. I'm sorry. You're right. I should have told you.”

“Do they know?” Poe continued. “Does my father know?”

“Yes, everyone knows. We told Kes the first time I met him.” Which was a conversation in and of itself. Finn had been terrified, but Kes took it in stride and welcomed Finn almost instantly. It was weird and vastly different from what was happening in front of him now. He inched forward. “Poe, I'm sor-”

Poe suddenly brandished a blaster from practically out of nowhere, pointing it directly at Finn's chest, arm trembling and teeth bared.

Finn froze. This could _not_ be happening. What could he do? What the fuck was he going to do? He blinked, noticing about three different ways to disarm him, but knew doing that would just piss him off more. He should do it, though. What if Poe did shoot him? No, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that.

He dropped his gloves and showed Poe his empty palms, trying to keep the panic at bay for now. Poe was scared, but he wasn't a cruel man. He wanted control and for something to make sense. So Finn took a steady breath and tried to talk as if he wasn't terrified. “What do you want me to do?”

“You can't prove _shit_ to me,” Poe snarled.

“I know,” he replied, already well aware of that. “You're in control, Poe. Just tell me what you want me to do about it.”

At the worst possible time, the back door of the house slammed open with Kes running out. “ _Poe!_ ”

Poe flinched and _thankfully_ didn't pull the trigger. Meanwhile, Finn just raised a hand to Kes to tell him he had this somewhat under control. Considering the situation, Kes did stop his mad dash from the house, though it was clear that he was furious and terrified.

Gods, Finn shouldn't be here. He cursed Leia's name again before trying to bring Poe's attention back. “What do you want, Poe?”

Of course, he looked even more anxious now, but Poe always worked well on the spot. He still wouldn't make a rash decision. Or that's what Finn kept repeating to himself over and over. Between the anger, confusion, and panic, they both stayed silent and waited. Eventually, Poe looked him up and down, shifted his feet, and licked his lips. “You should go back to the ship,” he said, finally making up his mind even if the anger was still rolling off of him. “If I so much as hear an engine, you'll be in pieces. Understand? One of the droids will watch you.”

A prisoner then. Poe could control a prisoner, it made sense. But it was also back to the ship, and Finn was actually _scared_ that Poe would send him away. But this would have to work, at least for now. Anything if it would keep him calm.

Finn took a deep breath and began slowly stepping around Poe. “Okay,” he said quietly, calmly, “I'm going to the ship, okay? It's all right.” It wasn't, but if he could do anything to prove he wasn't a threat, then he would say what he had to.

As he backed away, keeping his front to Poe who still had the blaster trained in on him, BB-8 entered the scene and started screeching at his pilot. Reluctantly, after what seemed like a short conversation, the little droid followed after Finn to _keep watch_ over him, presumably.

When the droid was beside him and Finn had reached the far corner of the house, he lowered his hands and just looked at Poe and the betrayal seething from him. He also watched Kes inch closer to his son. Knowing that he would be okay, Finn finally turned away and left.

As was asked of him, he and BB-8 went back to the ship that they had come to Yavin IV in just a few days ago. He lowered the ramp, ushered the droid inside, and sat himself down in the small cargo hold, pressing against the wall without really knowing what else to do.

Poe didn't have all of the context. He didn't remember everything except pieces here and there. It was _something_ , at least, that he remembered anything at all. Maybe it was telling in itself that what he remembered was Finn, but the emotional reaction to that memory begged to differ. Poe didn't know what to do with him now. He didn't know what to think. And clearly they've been keeping things from him, so why would he believe anything that they said? Poe had just pulled a _blaster_ on him. Poe had-

Fuck, he was shaking.

The adrenaline was finally coming down and realization was starting to set in. Poe had just threatened to _kill_ him. _Poe_. This went beyond hatred, if Poe actually hated him at all. He thought that Finn was a threat to him and his family. And now he-

And now he was hyperventilating.

BB-8 tucked itself beside Finn's ribs, counting beeps to bring him out of a panic attack, but he wasn't panicking. He was crying. Poe had actually considered killing him to protect his family, and Finn really didn't know what in the hell to think about it. It _would_ be better if he left. It would have been better if he never came along at all. But gods above, he didn't want to try and rationalize it right now. His mind was everywhere at once and maybe he should listen to BB-8 and try to breathe, but he was more focused on trying to stop thinking about the same moment over and over again.

Finn tucked his knees close to him and tried to hide. This was it. He'd lost it all. And he couldn't entirely blame, Poe. That was the _worst_ part. It was always Poe that was telling other soldiers where to go when they ever brought up Finn's past. He understood why Resistance soldiers didn't like Stormtroopers, he understood that he was easy target, and he knew that he could handle his own battles. This was something else entirely. He had just lost his family because of his past, because of who he was and who he would always be.

A hand brushed against his shoulder, and Finn flinched away, very nearly keeping himself from decking them by the shock of it all. Undeterred, they leaned closer and wrapped an arm around his back. _Miri_. Small hands, firm hold. But he didn't look up at her. He wanted the affection but not like this, not right now. He was ashamed of freaking out, ashamed of crying but not actually enough to really want to _stop_ crying. He wanted to yell, to hit something, to finally let the stress of the last few days out, so instead he leaned over and rested his head against her shoulder. No one said anything until heavier footfalls entered the ship.

BB-8 slipped away, and Kes sank down next to him, putting another hand against his back. “Finn,” he began, not catching on that he _really_ did not want to talk to anyone about anything right now, “I'm so fucking sorry, kid. I don't know how he got it.” It wasn't Kes' fault, but he opted to tell the man later and just sank lower while Miri made circles on his shoulder. He didn't want to open his eyes or come out of hiding; he didn't want to think at all.

“Kid? Finn?” When he didn't respond again, Kes pulled him closer until he was against his chest. “I'm so sorry,” he said again. “He hates himself right now. He'll hate himself a hell of a lot more later.”

But Poe didn't know. He just didn't understand. Finn shook his head and tried to breathe steadily enough to string a few words together, because he sure as hell couldn't _explain it_ right now. “I should leave,” he tried to say, voice wavering anyway. Dammit, he was supposed to be strong during this. He was supposed to be the main one helping Poe. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He shouldn't be doing this. Why was he crying when they were-? Finn started trying to take deep breaths, trying to put his hurt aside.

Kes, of course, just squeezed his shoulder harder. “You should definitely _not_ fucking leave,” he argued. “I-... I understand if you don't feel... _safe_. But dammit, I won't let him do this. Not to himself and sure as hell not to you. I know it's hell right now. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, Finn.”

“He knows who I am-”

“No, he sure as hell does _not_ -”

“Finn,” Miri spoke, scratching lightly against the back of his neck as he finally caught his breath. “He remembered something today, something tangible. He assumed wrong and acted wrong – I'm not going to defend his actions towards you – but if he's remembered something, the rest can't be too far.” Finally, he opened his eyes to the bright light and blue tinge to all of the color around him, and looked at her with what he assumed was a mess of a face. She hardly blinked and answered his unasked question. “Soon. It won't be too long now.”

Finn sniffled and sat up straighter, blinking around him blearily. Now he was faced with a choice.

Kes started speaking again before he could make it. “Do you really want to leave? We're not trying to guilt you into staying, son. We just don't want-”

He shook his head. “I don't know what Poe wants.”

“To hell with what _Poe_ _wants_ ,” Kes grumbled, but must have gotten an eye full from Miri, because he cleared his throat and tried again. “I know you don't want your mere _presence_ to make him upset, but he has to realize that you're a part of this family, too. Not to mention that he has to trust _us_ a little more.”

“He doesn't trust anyone right now. He's scared.”

“I _know_. I know that,” the older man sighed back. “Listen, if you don't feel safe, we'll take you wherever you want to go, but this bullying shit is ending _now_. You were right. He knows who you are deep down in there somewhere. He just has to stop acting stupid and find it. A damn stormtrooper is _not_ you.”

None of it really made him feel any better. That is, except for the fact that his family wasn't completely leaving him. Not yet, anyway.

Fuck, he was exhausted.

Kes patted him on the shoulder again and stood. “Why don't you and Miri go find something to eat? I'll finish up with the hay. My dumbass offspring is in the shed, so you won't be running into him.”

Finn grimaced, finding that he wasn't feeling too great about leaving the ship without Poe knowing, but relented as Miri tugged on his arm anyway. He was so afraid of losing his family that he wanted to cling to them now, and that probably wasn't a good thing. Maybe it was? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to think too hard about it.

BB-8 rolled out in front of him, Miri linked her arm with his, and Kes clapped him on the back. It was comforting. It would be okay.

He had never missed Poe as much as he did in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It was mega angst. I'm sorry. It's way worse on Finn's side, as I'm sure you expected.
> 
> Harvey managed to screw up my whole “I'm going to update faster” plan, so we'll resume that idea this week. (And I'm okay, just soggy.) Also I'm thinking about another add-on to this series, but something like one chapter? We'll see. I know I've written way too much on this thing already, but this idea has been bugging me since the first fic, so I might as well.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for nightmares, PTSD, and self-harm stuff (though unintentional).

Once Finn had finally calmed down, he began to worry about where Poe could have possibly gotten that blaster from. It was entirely possible that he brought it with him from D'Qar, but for what possible reason other than paranoia? Or maybe it belonged to Kes, but he didn't say anything so that couldn't be true.

Well the gist of it was that Finn couldn't sleep. The middle of the night and all he could think about was the entire day on repeat. Yes, he wanted to know where the blaster came from, but he also wanted to know exactly what Poe remembered or if he really intended to start a fight or how _he_ felt about the situation as a whole. Then there were the droids and Kes and Miri. They had all of the information, they knew what was really happening, but he knew very well that they would choose Poe over him if it came to it. He would want them to, in fact. The entire thing was stressful for everyone, though, and it looked more and more like Miri was better able to take it than Kes was. The scene had scared the older man, truly, and Finn was touched that he cared so much, but he just wished they could skip all of this and calm down.

It wasn't like he could _make_ Poe calm down. It wasn't like he didn't know why Poe was so upset. Maybe they should have told him everything from the start, but that could have upset his injuries more according to the doctors. What if Finn had told him and _no_ memories came at all? Surely this was better than nothing. Surely Poe would remember soon.

Finn wondered if he had been taking the anxiety medicine but dismissed the thought. Of course he hadn't.

A piercing scream forced Finn to shoot straight up in bed. He was already untangling himself from the sheets before really registering what it was. _Poe_. He'd heard this same scream before, nearly a year ago. Finn sprinted down the hall, taking the turn into Poe's room as tight as he dared. There were other quick footsteps behind him, but all he had on his mind was the man in front of him.

Poe had his eyes screwed shut and his hands gripping the sides of his head, nails digging in. Finn had seen him this bad only twice before and it was always the same dream. So much for forgetting certain things.

Without even sparing thought to the possibility that the other man could lash out at him, Finn basically barreled onto the bed and wrestled Poe's hands off of himself. “ _Stop!_ Poe, I'm here! I'm here! Stop it!” He jerked the other man towards him, hoping that would wake him up. It had in the past.

The screaming certainly did stop and was replaced with sobs that wracked through his entire body. Poe's hands were gripping on to what he could reach of Finn now, just holding as tight as possible instead of trying to break through. Finn just tried to rub his back and comb his fingers through his hair, trying to quiet the loud sobs like he was coddling a child.

“He's in my head,” Poe finally spoke, voice thick with pain. “I feel him. He's there. He's in my head. I feel him.”

Before he could finish the rambling, Finn was already shaking his head, trying to rock them both gently. “He's not there, baby. No one's there. You're okay. You're safe. We're all safe. You're okay. I've got you.”

Poe was trembling, but his breaths were evening out, the sobs finally going quiet again. That more than anything else proved that a large part of him was still asleep. Then, quietly, “Finn.”

Something about it made him want to start crying, too, but he just held his love tighter instead. “I've got you, Poe. You're okay. We're safe. It's okay.” The breathing became deeper, evened out, and the death grip on Finn's clothes lessened a margin. After a long moment that he allowed himself to savor, Finn leaned forward to settle Poe back in bed. The other snuffled a little but didn't otherwise move. Finn still had to pry his hands free from his clothes.

Though he dreaded it, he turned around to look at Kes and Miri standing horrified in the doorway. Poe never told them what had happened and purposely waited to visit Yavin IV until the nightmares had mostly passed. Now, Finn _could_ make up some sort of lie, but he doubted Kes would believe it and knew that Miri wouldn't.

After double checking on Poe and making sure BB-8 was going to be actively standing guard for the rest of the night, Finn carefully stood without jostling the bed and started to make his way to the living room. By the time he had sat down on the couch and started running his hand over the back of his neck, the other two were carefully padding into the room after him. No one really seemed to think a light was important.

It was Kes who spoke up first, entirely too serious about this and not looking as surprised as earlier. “He's had them before.”

Finn nodded, figuring that they would catch on to that much after watching him handle it. “Not for a long time, though. At least over a year ago now.”

“That wasn't,” Miri began, pausing for a long moment to figure out how to put it and decided on, “normal.” He knew what she meant. She must have seen a lot of PTSD and helped to treat it, especially of torture victims.

But Finn really didn't want to say the ' _torture_ ' word and have it float around them right now. He took a deep breath and tried to get his point across a little better without having to actually talk. “It was Kylo Ren.”

There was a beat where he must have been expected to continue before Kes tried to usher things along. “Kylo Ren.”

“Poe didn't want to tell you,” he tried instead. “He didn't want you to worry. I tried to get him to, but-”

“Why didn't _you_ tell me when he got here?” Kes started, his son's own brand of annoyance rearing its head. “You knew he might have a flashback. Why didn't you warn us?”

_Because Poe didn't want you to know_ and _Because I hoped he wouldn't remember it at all_ weren't good enough answers. “I knew I could handle it if it came up but I didn't know it would be like that. Should have guessed after the flashback he had today.”

Kes clearly wanted to say something but somehow found it in himself to not go off the handle. The man was stressed; Finn understood that. After what happened today then waking up to the screaming- He sighed. “What happened to him?”

He really didn't want to answer that and go through the details, so Finn shook his head again. “I didn't get to him fast enough.”

“Can you _stop_ blaming yourself for everything that happens?” Kes surprisingly snapped back.

“Well _you_ were just blaming me for not telling you about it.”

“That's different. That's something that you _actually_ did-”

“Boys,” Miri cut in, “it's too late for this. Let's check in on Poe again and try to go back to bed.”

It was a tempting offer for both of them, but Kes was the first to glower back at Finn. “No. I want to know what happened to my son.”

He really didn't, but Finn was being pulled between the wishes of two different Damerons right now. As much as he loved Kes, he couldn't do this to either of them. Not knowing would only make it worse, though. “A lot of therapy,” he answered vaguely and stood. “I tried to argue with him and tell him to be more open with you about it, but he wouldn't. He didn't want to worry you or freak you out. I'm not going to tell you, not behind his back, definitely not like this.”

“You really think it's _so_ bad that I can't-”

“Yes, Kes, I do,” Finn answered firmly, a little ticked off before calming down again. “It'll never really be gone, but he's gotten so much better with time. It hasn't been like this since-... not since it was really bad. The worst is over now. He'll sleep the rest of the night. He'll either remember tomorrow or not realize that anything's happened. He'll be okay. You have to trust me on this.”

He could tell that Kes was skeptical about it, and Finn understood but it broke his heart all the same. He really needed that trust right now. Still, in the end, the older man relented with a nod and clenched jaw. “All right. We'll see how he is in the morning.”

Finn nodded, too, the victory feeling hollow. But with those words and one last squeeze on his shoulder from Miri, they all went back to bed. Finn managed to get an hour's worth of sleep.

* * *

He _was_ really worried about Poe, not that anyone could tell with him out in the barn before the crack of dawn. His reasoning was that Kes was worried enough for the whole damn family, so why did Finn really need to be there? Poe probably wouldn't remember anyway. And if he did remember being strapped to a chair by Stormtroopers before a force user invaded his mind, then he probably wouldn't be too comfortable with an ex-Stormtrooper there anyway.

Or maybe he just felt useless to help again and that's why he was kicking around hay. The useful thing to do would be to make sure the barn doors could seal correctly before the monsoon started, but there was so much on his rather _loud_ mind that nothing wanted to stay still for him.

Stars above, he really wanted to talk to Rey.

When he heard footsteps approaching, Finn turned around so fast that he nearly fell over, actually _afraid_ that it might be Poe again. It was Miri instead that steadily held out a hand as if she could catch his fall. “Sorry,” she said when the moment had passed, “I didn't mean to startle you.”

“I thought you were Poe,” he said before actually catching it and trying to cover as fast as possible. “I, uh- The sun's barely up. What's going on?”

“Nothing,” Miri answered with a shake of her head as if to put all of his worries at ease. “I just wanted to talk to you. Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” he lied. By the frown he got in return, she knew better. “I slept as well as expected.”

She just nodded and thankfully didn't press the issue, though he knew she probably wanted to. Miri could be more stubborn than Kes in her own way. Regardless, she templed her fingers together and swayed closer. “I wanted to speak to you,” she repeated in all seriousness before jumping right into the matter. “Considering what happened yesterday and last night, we know that Poe's memories are coming back through flashbacks. The problems are the memories that he's getting without the added context, only making them worse for himself and everyone else. I propose, at this point, we sit Poe down and tell him.”

Finn waited for a little more to that and blinked. “Tell him what?”

She shrugged. “Everything.”

He had to actually pause for a moment, stunned that she would even suggest such a thing. Where she was coming from made some sense, but the suggestion wasn't a viable option at all. What was she thinking? “Absolutely not.”

“I know it can be a lot for him, but-”

“ _No_ ,” he said again, barely keeping the edge of a growl out of his voice. “The doctors – _both_ doctors – said that he has to remember on his own.”

“I have medical training, too, Finn,” Miri reminded him. “The shock of these episodes are clearly doing more harm than good. Not just for him, but for all of us, especially you.”

Oh, no. He would _not_ get the blame for this one. “I said no,” Finn said again with a shake of his head and a proper glare this time. “You can go behind my back and do whatever it is you want, but you need me to give him the full story, and I _refuse_ to do this to him.”

“ _Finn!_ ” she snapped. He flinched, cowed by her sudden and rare flash of anger. “You're talking as if I _want_ to hurt him. I'm trying to think of ways to _prevent_ him from being hurt. If you weren't there last night, if you had left like he wanted you to do, he would have hurt himself. Me and Kes wouldn't have been able to bring him out of that. We still aren't sure what that _was_. What if something happens again that you can't help with? What if he finds another weapon and just gets more confused by his own thoughts?”

“Then keep him busy, Miri. I don't know.” Trying to end the conversation, he turned away and began setting to work with anything he could find. “Don't ask me that again. It's out of the question.”

Except she followed him, of course. “Not everything then,” Miri continued, walking along side him as he gathered up a hay bale by the strings. “We can just tell him the worst things or at least get him mentally prepared to remember them. It doesn't have to be all of it. Just enough that he can handle whatever's thrown at him next.”

“I said no,” he repeated with a little more calm in his voice, making it outside and into the pasture only to set the hay down beside the barn with a huff, not really knowing what to do.

She _still_ didn't stop. “Why not? If he's ready for it next time-”

“ _Miri._ ” Finn stopped to take a deep breath first, letting it out very slowly while rubbing the back of his neck. “Miri, they said that if he was told about the past, then he wouldn't remember. They said it could hurt him. I know you have good intentions, but I don't want-” He didn't want to risk it. He didn't want to risk losing Poe.

But she had a point. He could have hurt himself last night. He could have shot Finn if he had a mind to. What they were doing wasn't working. The memories were trickling back, yes, but at what cost? He was hurting like this. Finn had been begging everything he could think of to find some way that he could help Poe. Now an opportunity presented itself, and he was scared to go forward because he didn't want to lose _his_ Poe. As if that was even a thing that existed. There was only one Poe Dameron, and Finn loved him no matter the circumstances. He would be lying if he said that the night before hadn't scared him to a near early death.

He backed up until he hit the barn and carefully slid down it to sit in the grass. After a very rough moment, he looked back up again at the now silent Miri. “Do you really think it'll help him?”

Instead of answering right away, Miri just watched for a moment. There must have been some sort of emotion on his face, because she frowned after seeming to come to a decision. “Maybe.” She stepped forward and gracefully sat on the grass beside him. “Or maybe it won't, like you say. Perhaps-... He's only just starting to remembering things now. Perhaps we should wait and see. If something else happens, we'll talk to him. How does that sound?”

Finn looked to the ground, then the horizon, and back over to Miri eventhough he couldn't meet her eyes. Regardless, he nodded.

They sat together for a while and just quietly watched the sun rise over the pasture. Finn couldn't claim to have seen any of it, though. All of his thoughts were back in that house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very Finn-centric chapter with a lot of new scenes. The good news is that we're ahead of the sister fic, so this one will definitely be done quicker anyway. Woohoo. Also I'm posting this pretty late at night for me, so I'm sure there's tons of errors. Sorry.
> 
> Thanks for reading. ♥


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a nerf giving birth, ew, and for some serious medical discussions, ie seizures and strokes.

The rain had kind of crept up on him. When it first started, Finn had a minor moment of panic for about thirty seconds until he realized that everything was fine. He had prepared the barn and then some in order to handle the weather and keep out the elements. Even the herd already knew what to do since they all calmly and casually headed back inside and huffed at Finn until he closed the door and gave them more hay.

Honestly, they were getting spoiled under him.

Instead of letting them be and going back to the house, Finn stayed out in the dry barn with the excuse of looking after the pregnant nerf. The end of her new struggle was quickly approaching now that the monsoon was finally here, and someone definitely needed to be checking on her as often as possible. The fact that he was successfully avoiding Poe and Kes and everyone was just an added bonus. It wasn't really like he wanted to avoid the whole family, really. All he wanted was space to think. Or had he been thinking too much lately? He wasn't totally sure anymore.

He mostly thought about telling Poe everything and the infinite amount of reactions that would come of it. So long as he didn't try to hurt someone or tail spin into another panic attack, the rest of it shouldn't matter. Still Finn found himself wondering about his reactions to the Finalizer, to Luke Skywalker, to Hosnian Prime, and to about being engaged to a former Stormtrooper. Logically, he knew how Poe would take the idea of the two of them together. Shock and disgust followed quickly by anger that slowly bled into curiosity and eventually a begrudging acceptance of the past being in the past.

He was startled out of his thoughts when the door was shoved open and Kes stepped inside, already soaked even though the weather was only just getting started. “Hey, kid,” he said, shaking off the excess water from his jacket. “You not coming in? The rain's going to get serious soon.”

This was kind of how Kes was. He liked to talk problems out so long as there was an actual problem. A misunderstanding and an argument in the middle of the night wasn't a problem to Kes Dameron. He was the type to label it as water under the bridge and hope everyone else did the same, which was made evident as he casually didn't meet Finn's eyes. “I was just keeping an eye on her for now,” he answered back, nodding at the stall.

“Well, I don't think Poe's coming in anytime soon. He's back to tinkering with the A-Wing.” After a pause in which Finn didn't take the offered bait, Kes tried again with the olive branch. “You hungry? I was gonna make a late lunch.”

“What do you think about telling him everything?” Finn wasn't going to stand here and act like everything was sunshine and rainbows when the obvious was growing between all of them. He knew Miri asked Kes about it, too.

The older man grimaced and didn't even try to avoid the issue. “I don't know. I didn't think about it. Really, I didn't think _you_ would think about it.”

Finn shrugged, looking back down at the nerf happily laying on her side and chewing the hay. “I don't know what's best for him.”

“Well that's a bold faced lie.”

“Kes-” Before he could get more than a word in, Kes already grabbed on to Finn's shoulder and was turning him away. “Wait, what about her?”

“She's fine. I'll check on her this evening, and one of us will check on her again tomorrow. If something was gonna happen today, it would have happened already. Now brace against the wind. It's snortin' out there right now.”

“You are such a hick, Kes.”

Laughter followed the gentle shove to his back as he was plunged out into the rain and wind. Yeah, maybe going back before it got worse was the thing to do.

The lights were still on in the hangar shed, though.

* * *

Finn hadn't seen Poe at all. The other man was probably avoiding him, too, so that would explain it. Still, he wondered how Poe was doing after the nightmare, especially if he happened to remember any of it. But no drama was good drama, and Finn didn't want to disturb what little peace they had for the time being.

When he arrived back in the barn, everything was good. The rain was still coming down outside, so he resolved to clean out and put new hay down in the stall of the pregnant nerf, quickly feed everyone, and head back inside. It wouldn't take more than thirty minutes, if that.

He didn't realize something strange was going on until he was about to leave and it took another ten minutes to figure out what the problem was. The pregnant nerf hadn't _once_ huffed at him or demanded him of something with her cunning stare. And when he tried to leave, she got up and tried to follow. And... there were things going on... back _there_ and- Dammit, she was in labor.

“I _really_ need to get Kes, okay? You just stay here. I'll be right ba- No! Stay! Stay, nerf! Please, just- lay back down or- Dammit, Kes!” At some point, he finally managed to get the nerf back down on her side, which was kind of easy because she seemed comfortable so long as Finn was there with her. Whenever he tried to leave, it was a different story. He decided to just wait for someone to get worried and come looking for him.

That plan backfired after more than an hour went by, but eventually the door did open and Finn poked his head out of the stall. He then choked on thin air at the sight of Poe. No, not _now_. Instead of looking angry, though, Poe just looked _shy_ and was even startled when his eyes landed on Finn. “Oh! I, uh- Hey, um-”

“Poe?” He looked nervous. Evidently, the other man had something important on his mind, but maybe that could be handled later. Finn stepped out of the stall, fully aware of how filthy he probably looked. “I- You-” How did he ask this? “Are you here to threaten me again?” Smooth.

The other stared for a second. “No?”

“Okay, good. I really need your dad. I don't know what to-”

“What's going on?” Before Finn could say anything, Poe had shouldered by to peer into the stall.

The situation was pretty self explanatory, but Finn felt like he had to fill the silence anyway. “I don't know what to do, I mean, it started about an hour and a half ago and every time I try to leave she freaks out and tries to follow me, but I have no idea what I'm doing and I really need your dad because he-”

Poe left him at a dead sprint towards the house, which Finn could see since the other had flung the door wide open upon his escape. Well, good news, at least he seemed to be doing okay. Finn allowed his mind to wonder what Poe had come to the barn for in the first place but was thrown off track by the nerf standing up again, damn her.

Luckily, it didn't take long for Poe to come running back with Kes and skittering away again as his father told him to go and get something to help with the birth. Finn had _thought_ he wasn't needed anymore but that was clearly a misconception.

“Hey, son,” Kes greeted, helping him maneuver the nerf to stand in the stall and give them all room to work. “Was wondering what was taking you so long.”

“Well, I kept waiting for someone to get worried enough about me to come check,” Finn said sarcastically, but it didn't seem to really land.

“Yeah, I thought about it,” he muttered as Finn rolled his eyes. “I should have expected this. I don't know why I didn't expect this.”

“ _You're_ the one who told me the low pressure coming in might induce her labor. You knew about it.”

“But the rain started _yesterday_.”

“It's all the same to a nerf, Kes.”

“Found it!” Poe announced his return, wedging into the stall and handing the bundle of chains he was carrying to his father. “How many times have you done this?” he asked Kes. “I mean, really, why are you the one freaking out?”

“It's fine. I've got it.”

Finn huffed. “That's not an answer, Kes.”

“Just stay at her head, smartass,” the older one muttered back. “She likes you. Keep her calm. I think the feet are starting to come out.”

Infinitely happy that he was stationed at this particular end of the situation, Finn wrapped his arms around the nerf's neck and basically hugged her. He didn't know if she was in pain or scared or anything or nothing but he was really hoping this all went smoothly anyway.

The nerf did seem to look a little scared, though, and Finn noticed just as Poe started to mention it. “How many times has _she_ done this? She looks nervous.”

“She's had three,” Kes mumbled absently before letting out a huge relieved sigh. “Ah, _gracias a Dios_ , I see the nose. The gross little fucker is coming out right for once.”

Poe immediately turned away. “I can't watch this.”

“Too bad,” Kes said with a little laugh. “Help me get these chains on the little one.”

As Poe let out a rather unseemly whine, Finn almost argued against the idea of letting Poe help. He was still struggling, still healing, wasn't supposed to overexert, and what if something went wrong and emotions started to run high and and- But, no, dammit, he couldn't hold Poe's hand. Kes knew everything about as well as the rest of them did. So Finn bit his tongue and let them both have this. Maybe it would be okay.

“She's ready,” Kes continued. “We're gonna pull as she pushes, all right? It'll be done in no time.”

Then again, Finn was really glad he was up here and not down there.

The father and son duo pulled and stopped, pulled and stopped, until Kes released the chains and everything was done. It was _gross_ but it was done.

The brand new baby nerf, which had absolutely no right to be so damn cute, sneezed and caught the attention of its mother. Poe half carried, half maneuvered the little one to the fresh hay and the mother instantly followed, practically shoving Finn to the side as if totally forgotten.

He stood back and watched them settle in together, cuddling close and nuzzling as the little one sneezed again. It was probably really really stupid to be jealous of a newborn nerf, but Finn kind of was. It was the motherly bonding that he was seeing here, something that he really hadn't seen before come to think of it, unless Leia counted in some sense. He wondered if he had once had that moment with his mother, too, but there was no way now to really be sure. It had been years since he felt homesick for his biological parents, at least since he had found a new family to fall into. Now that he felt like it was slipping away, he kind of longed for something that was all his own.

“Never saw this stuff before?” Poe asked, his voice close but not close enough to pull Finn away from his thoughts.

He really didn't know what to say to that or how to respond to a Poe that didn't know about his situation. After a few attempts to say something, he finally settled on, “No,” and deflated with a small sigh.

Poe shifted and shuffled beside him before speaking up again. “I'm sorry about the other day.”

And finally, Finn looked over to him. This wasn't really a situation that could be wished away with one apology, but an apology was at least one step in the right direction. It meant that Poe had changed his mind about the whole Stormtrooper thing, that he was willing to open his thoughts about the last four years, that he was willing to trust Finn with himself and with his family. It did mean a lot, but this was something that needed to be talked about. But they would talk later once Poe knew everything, once he finally remembered. Because he would. Because nothing could stop Poe Dameron from doing the insane and impossible. So, for now, Finn settled on clearing the air and just smiled back. “It's okay, Poe.”

Poe jerked his head towards him, frowning and ready to argue, but shut his mouth at the last second and just stared back at him.

It was Kes that broke the silence with yet another sigh. “We should leave her to it, check on her later,” he said, then looked between them. “You two all right now?”

Finn glanced over to Poe, allowing him to answer that one, and the other man let out a croaked, “yeah.” Finn laughed a little at the whole display, way too relieved in the moment, and grabbed his jacket hanging on the wall before walking to the barn's entrance. Kes and Poe followed behind as he opened the doors and let the older man close up tight behind them.

The storm had let up a little bit. The wind wasn't as harsh and the rain wasn't coming down so hard, though the lighting still arched over them to bounce over the well placed lighting rods. It took several trips during monsoon season for him to get over that special little touch, and he still considered that fear a little justified.

Finn, leading the march, was almost halfway to the house when Poe's voice met him just as clear and serious as he ever was on duty and never was at home. “Blue Three, send word to base.” Confused, Finn turned around just in time to see Poe's knees buckle and watch him fall to the ground like a lead weight.

In shock, they both scrambled for him. “Poe!” Neither Finn or Kes caught him before he hit the soaked grass, but their hands were on him immediately anyway. But Poe's eyes were closed, his lips moving as if trying to mumble something, and he wasn't waking up. “Poe, look at me!” Was it a seizure? Had they pushed him too hard? Before he could dive straight into a panic, Finn looked up at Kes. “Get Miri! I've got him. I'll get him in. Go find her!”

Before he could finish, Kes was already up and running for the house. When Finn turned back, leaning over Poe to keep the rain from hitting him in the face and trying to figure out what the hell to do, Poe's eyes opened. “Ah thin' so,” he said, babbling about some sort of nonsense, stuck in a half dream. But he was awake in some sort of sense and needed to be inside, so Finn deemed it safe to move him. He wrapped his arms under Poe's shoulders and knees, hauling him up as the other kept trying to talk. “Marry me?”

“Shh,” Finn told him, trying to keep him calm in some sense of the word. “I've got you, Poe. I've got you. I've got you.”

Seeming to trust him, Poe's eyes rolled back and he was out again, and Finn ran for the house as fast as he could to keep his fear at bay. He managed to shoulder the door open and yell for Miri before the woman herself descended on him and lead him to the nearest flat surface, the kitchen table. Kes shoved everything off as Finn put Poe down and Miri looked him over with a light and probing fingers for a silent and very tense moment.

Finn realized that he had been expecting some sort of terrible fate, but Miri stood up straight and let out a deep breath. “He's not in danger. No signs that it was a stroke, Kes.”

A _stroke_? Gods, Finn hadn't even considered a fucking _stroke_. “What was it, though?”

Miri just shook her head slowly, clearly unsure. “Not a stroke.” Whatever it was, she seemed sure that Poe was okay now. “He needs to be comfortable. And dry.”

Something to do. “Okay.” Finn picked Poe back up and started carrying him back to his room, listening vaguely to the other two talking about a doctor and smelling salts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! We're reaching the end. For some reason, it feels like this chapter took forever to finally sit down and write, so I'm sorry for the constant delay again, lol.
> 
> Thanks for reading, as always!


	13. Chapter 13

After drying Poe off and getting him tucked into bed with Kes' help, Finn parked himself in the living room. He was sitting on the couch, his wet jacket still hanging off his shoulders, his right leg jumping with nerves. A3 was sitting next to him, whirring in silence. The droid didn't try to strike up a conversation but still seemed worried all the same. He hadn't entered Poe's room with the rest of his family because of his size, he claimed. Didn't want to take up much needed space and get in the way. He was probably just too worried to be there.

Finn was sort of like that and sort of on the edge of being terrified that his presence was unwanted by Poe. The last thing he wanted to do was make him _more_ uncomfortable right now. But at the same time Finn was very close to losing his mind. He got up and started pacing.

Miri had tried to hail Dr. Kzell in the chaos but couldn't get a signal out in the storm. No one said it yet but that meant that somebody had to go out into the monsoon and physically drag the good doctor back to their property whether he liked it or not. Or, well, maybe not that graphic, but someone definitely had to go to him even if the storm didn't let up.

His thoughts went back to Poe again, wondering how he must be doing or if he was even awake yet. When Finn had last seen him, the other was unconscious and still as opposed to the muttering he had tried to do outside. He didn't know if this was better or worse. Did this mean that his memories were coming back? Did this mean there was an injury that everyone had missed? Did this mean that his injuries had somehow gotten _worse_?

Okay, no. Finn rubbed hard at his eyes, willing himself to calm down. Obsessively thinking about _everything_ that could go wrong wasn't going to help out anyone.

Heavy footfalls jerked him from his thoughts as Kes ran to the end of the hallway and stopped. “Finn, he's awake. He's asking for you.”

The old man hardly had time to let the words out of his mouth before Finn bolted by him and ran down the hallway. There was a bit of deja vu from the other night as he took the turn tight and tried to slow to a stop in Poe's room. But Poe had his hand up and _reaching_ for him, so he grabbed it as tight as he could and sat down heavily on the bed.

It was too much to hope that he remembered, so Finn pushed the thought away and gently brushed his hand through Poe's thick hair, trying to push it out of his eyes. Poe looked pale and exhausted, his eyes a little too glassy. Miri was kneeling beside the bed looking worried but not exactly beside herself about it so maybe it was all right. Finn asked Poe in a hushed voice, “Headache?” in case that had been what was causing his eyes to look so distant.

Poe just shook his head, eyelids flickering and voice small. “Don't hurt.”

Miri shifted as Kes hovered behind her, both of them trying to get back into the scene. Finn didn't realize he had all of Poe's attention until they seemed to both be trying to aim for it. Then she asked, “What's the last thing you remember, Poe?”

A little _more_ worried now, Finn looked back and watched as Poe furrowed his brow and thought a bit too hard about the question to not make some of them worry. “Don't know,” he answered after a tense second. Then, “Rain,” Poe changed his answer, looking up at the window to watch water pelt against the glass. He looked confused. “It was raining.”

Finn did _not_ like this. He didn't like seeing Poe so confused and struggling to answer even basic questions. He didn't like seeing the other so pale and tired and fragile. This was _Poe Dameron_. This was just kindling for the hate at the bottom of Finn's gut to roar to life at the thought of the First Order getting anywhere _near_ Poe to hurt him in this way, in such a way that Finn was totally useless to help.

During the anger-fueled revelation, Finn just squeezed Poe's hand harder and tried to breathe. Kes, who didn't seem as bothered, shuffled closer and asked, “You remember the baby nerf?”

Was that too much? Could they hurt Poe by making him think too hard? Was he just being silly at this point? But Poe's nose scrunched in disgust and his eyes closed. “Now I do... Wish I didn't.” Finn let out a held breath, feeling way too much relief wash over him at the thought that Poe was really going to be all right. Calming down didn't seem like such a distant dream anymore. “Are they okay?” Poe asked, typically, and that actually made him chuckle a little.

“Yeah, Poe,” Finn himself answered for the group, “They're all right.” Not like anyone had gone to check, though. Then, in a strange flash of hope, Finn asked a more personal question. “Do you remember the planet we went to after we stole the TIE Fighter?”

Kes and Miri tensed at the question but stayed quiet. They must have wondered if all of his memories were back, too. Fortunately, Poe didn't leave them in suspense for long. “We stole a TIE Fighter?” he asked in a tiny voice that clearly meant he was off daydreaming about such a thing.

The group collectively sighed, Kes muttering, “That's a no.”

“Wait a minute, I flew a TIE Fighter? That explains a lot.”

Whatever that apparently explained, Finn laughed again anyway, relief coursing through him and making him feel almost drunk with it. It was Kes who stood and popped his back. “Well, I'm glad you're awake, kid, but I gotta make a run. Can't get a signal out in this storm.”

That caught him off guard. Finn had only _just_ realized that Kes was decked out in rain gear and moved to get up. “You shouldn't go alone-”

Poe's hand tightened in his, and Kes waved off the offer. It was really more of the first thing that made him pause. “You both stay here with him,” Kes told them, having apparently not noticed. “I'll take one of the droids if it'll make you feel any better. Not like I've been dealing with this weather for over thirty years now.” BB-8, who had stationed himself at the foot of Poe's bed, let out a soft warble of protest, and Kes grimaced. “I guess A3 just volunteered then,” he sighed, leaning forward to plant a kiss in Poe's hair.

Poe scrunched his face up again, just like a little kid, and whined from somewhere deep in his throat. “Where you going?”

“Get Dr. Kzell,” Kes muttered, patting him on the shoulder and standing up again. “I'll be right back. You won't have time to miss me.”

Poe whined a little again as his father left the room but didn't bother putting up any real protest. Miri also stood, giving Finn a _look_ that apparently suggested that she thought they could use some alone time. “I'll walk him out,” she told Poe with one last pet to his hair, “Won't be long.” When Poe nodded, she and a reluctant BB-8 left the room. Then, suddenly, they were alone.

Apparently Finn was the only one that felt any tension about the situation. Poe just rolled gently enough until he flopped over onto his back, still absently holding Finn's hand as if he totally forgot about it but wasn't anywhere near letting go either. What had changed, Finn wondered. What made Poe suddenly cling to him like this? Then, Poe _strangely_ asked, “You okay?”

Finn would be worried if that wasn't a totally typically Poe Dameron thing to ask. He barked a laugh without even meaning to. “Am _I_ okay? Did you really just ask me that, Dameron?”

“You all look pretty freaked out,” Poe answered with a stupid little smirk that meant he was mostly kidding. “I'm just making sure.”

“Yes, I'm fine,” Finn said with a helpless smile, shaking his head. “You're something else.”

The other gave a grunt in response and offered no jab back. Instead, he just went quiet, face entirely too serious. Of course he was _worried_. Finn was pretty damn worried, too. Instead of breaking the moment, he focused everything on their joined hands and tried to even out his breathing a little better. No matter what happened, it would _be_ okay in the end. He had to hold on to that hope.

Then, absolutely out of the wild blue yonder, Poe asked, “Am I married?”

The question didn't even register for a long time. Even once it did, there were so many questions he had surrounding that. Why would Poe _ask_ that? He didn't know. And he was scared to push. His fucking mouth had gone dry, and Poe was just laying there waiting for an answer. “No.”

Poe frowned, frustration clearly building over his features but there was a deep sadness there, too. What in the hell was he thinking about? What could possibly be going through his mind? Finn held his breath as Poe spoke in something so close to a whisper, like he was scared of voicing whatever it was he had thought up. “I was with someone,” he eventually said. “Did you know that?”

The fainting episode was obviously not just for show. Poe had _definitely_ remembered something. Remembered _them_ maybe, but wouldn't he have recognized Finn by now? Had he not put the pieces together? Was there someone else in the last four years that Finn had missed? But Poe had mentioned before that he hadn't wanted to ever get married until- until they-

Finn's thumb made circles on the back of Poe's hand like it had a mind of its own while he tried to calm himself down. Poe must have meant them, remembered _them_ in some sort of capacity. “Yeah,” he answered, swallowing thickly again, “I did.”

Poe went still, squeezed their hands together, and stared hard at the ceiling like if he just looked at it the right way then he could see everything he'd forgotten. The rain hitting the side of the house was the only thing that could keep Finn grounded as he sat there and waited for Poe to come up with some sort of revelation, like he could just make eye contact and remember or something. It was so much less about Finn's own loneliness in the moment. The thread of memory was hurting Poe somehow if his guarded eyes meant anything.

Then he was trembling and squeezing Finn's hand and, “Are they dead?”

Finn's world narrowed down to Poe's fragile facade, like he was going to try and be okay no matter what the answer was, like he was waiting to have his heart broken over someone he didn't even know anymore. All Finn could think about was that Poe felt so alone that he thought whatever lover his memories had allowed him to see was gone and all of that comfort had been snuffed out of the world. _Are they dead?_ He should never have had reason to ask such a thing. He should never-

Finn took a deep shuddering breath, taking Poe's hand in both of his. “No, Poe. They're alive. They're okay. They're alive, Poe. I'm so sorry.” He was babbling. He didn't know how to fix this. He didn't know how to make anything better. He didn't know how to _tell him_.

And... Poe was laughing. His whole body had relaxed and a burst of relief driven giggles had broken free of his chest. Poe's smile was wide and he looked like he could cry. At length, he calmed down a little and shook his head, his free hand rubbing at his temple and the dopey smile still hanging from his lips. “I've never been so happy to be dumped in my life,” he said, like this was an explanation.

Finn's blink felt like it took a century. When he came back, he was still in the same position, still stunned and confused and hurt. “Dumped?” Maybe Poe was just delirious and this whole conversation was pointless.

“Yeah,” Poe happily told the ceiling, drowsiness weighing him down again. “I know that I wouldn't have left them.” Then after a beat, “Him,” Poe amended.

Poe was already in love with a fading memory, someone he thought had left him, and _stars_ it broke his heart. Fuck it. _Fuck it._ “Hey, Poe?”

“Hmm?” the other hummed back, eyes already closed. By the time Finn could second guess himself and relearn how his tongue worked, Poe was already snoring softly beside him.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, allowing a tear to track down his cheek before he could push all the hurt down down _down_ again. “I love you, Poe,” he muttered to the room and kissed the back of his love's hand.

He had to be okay. This had to end okay.

* * *

Finn was loathe to just leave the other man there but he also needed a minute to collect himself after _that_ conversation. He stepped out into the hallway and noticed Miri leaning against the wall, apparently trying to give them more time alone. Instead of asking about Kes or the doctor or anything else, he blurted out, “Did you hear all that?”

“No,” she said with a little frown. “Is he okay?”

Relieved, Finn shook his head. “He's sleeping. He's all right.”

Her frown deepened. “Are you okay?”

Finn leaned against the opposite wall and found that he didn't want to answer that one honestly. Keeping his voice quiet, he said, “I think he is remembering stuff. I think that's why he fainted. Shock or something. Maybe. I don't know.”

Instead of pushing the issue, she just nodded. “I think it's happened before. We didn't catch it.”

Um. “When?” he nearly roared, keeping his composure to let Poe sleep at the last second. “I- When did you- Why wasn't I-”

“Finn.” Her calm voice and gentle hand wasn't enough to chill out the storm raging inside of him but it was enough to make him stop and listen. “We didn't realize it until a moment ago. We aren't even certain. I'll mention it to Kzell when he gets here.” He really wanted to blow up about it so that he could have even just a _second_ away from replaying the earlier conversation but he took a deep breath and tried to calm down instead. “What happened, Finn?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head and scrubbing his face. “He's sleeping. He's okay.”

“Finn-”

“Don't.” He nearly growled at her but it came out much more like a plea than anything. Finn took another deep breath, held it for four seconds, and let it go until his muscles relaxed and his lungs wanted to burn. “Don't, Miri, please. He's okay.” A part of him wanted to wait under the porch for Kes to get back just to get some fresh air, but the majority of him knew that he wouldn't be able to leave Poe's side right now. He slid down the wall and sat out in the hallway, watching through the door at Poe's bed, almost just like when he and Miri were outside of the barn nearly a lifetime ago.

BB-8 rolled back inside of Poe's room, settled beside his bed so that he could look at his pilot's sleeping face, beeped once, and stayed motionless. The three of them, with Finn sitting in the hall and Miri leaning against the doorway, stayed still and quiet until Kes came back with the doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, a little late again. Just been busy, fam. I'm sorry that this conversation decided to take up a whole chapter again. The next chapter is the big one, though! I'm so excited, lol.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

Finn really would have rathered they at least woke Poe before the doctor started poking around at him. Kzell just huffed at Finn's complaint and didn't even look away from his patient. To Poe's credit, he was sleeping like a rock as the doctor turned his head this way and that, his light snores getting interrupted by even lighter whines at the movements. When Kzell shined a bright light in his eyes, though, Poe finally jerked.

Yes, scaring the hell out of him was going to help. Finn scowled at the doctor but again went ignored.

“Well, good morning, Poe,” Dr. Kzell said softly with a little smile, apparently finding the display more amusing than Finn did.

Poe scrunched his face up in clear discomfort. “Is it even morning?”

“I'm sure it is somewhere,” the doctor replied before turning the light off and looking over at the older Dameron. “Your boy seems perfectly healthy, Kes. Aside from the concussion, that is, which seems to be healing nicely.”

Kes stood beside Finn, still dripping on the floor from the heavy rain outside, and was giving just as heavy of a frown as Finn felt. Everything being okay didn't explain what happened. “Then why did he pass out like that? It wasn't exactly what I'd call normal.”

“No,” Kzell answered and stepped back from Poe to look down at him. “I imagine it had something to do with the amnesia. What about it, kid? Did you remember anything? See something? Do you even know what triggered it?”

Poe just blinked owlishly back at the doctor and a slightly panicked look overcame him. Finn could guess the answer, then. “No? I think. I don't know...” A hand roved through his hair and his eyes were clearer than before, so it wasn't all bad. Then, surprisingly, he continued. “A weird dream, if nothing else. Just voices and... places, I guess. I don't know why it happened.”

“Did anything in particular stand out to you?” Kzell asked before Finn could speak up. Poe _had_ remembered something?

But Poe shook his head with furrowed brows. “Just the rain and... talk about marriage, I think.” And there Poe went again about relationships and marriages and Finn realized he had stopped breathing and Poe was looking at him- “There was... really fucked up lightning. In space,” he went on, starting to make less sense. “I was in an X-Wing and I swear I could see red lightning or... something?”

Oh.

He remembered the Hosnian Cataclysm. Because of course he did.

“Well,” Kzell sighed, snapping Finn out of the horror induced stupor he had found himself in, “I know this is going to sound crazy but this is a good thing. You're remembering more now. It should all be back before you know it.” The doctor then stuck around long enough to quiz Poe about a few ordinary things, just to double check the concussion hadn't worsened, before leaving the room to speak to Kes and presumably Miri who was back in the living room.

Finn stayed where he was, unsure of what he should do after that bombshell. Poe _was_ going to remember, but he was starting to remember all of the _wrong_ things. What if he had a clearer flashback of the Cataclysm? Or what if he remembered what happened on the Finalizer? What were they going to do if he _only_ remembered the bag things? Was that a genuine thing he should be worried about? What if Finn couldn't- “Don't move too much,” he nearly barked when Poe pushed himself up on his elbows.

“I'm all right,” the other grunted, evidently weak from the whole ordeal.

Finn just moved forward anyway and ignored him. “Are you dizzy?”

“No, I'm all right. Just-” Finn wrapped his arms around Poe's shoulders and helped him to sit up. He was rewarded with a smile and a quiet laugh. “Thanks.”

He was acting better than he had in quite a while, so Finn sat next to him and tried to calm down after the hell that was the entire day. “Don't worry about it.”

They sat there for hardly a second before Poe, ever impatient, asked, “I didn't imagine that red lightning thing, did I?”

Finn licked his lips and glanced to the floor. “No. That happened.” The last thing he wanted to do was elaborate.

Instead of pushing, thankfully, Poe just sighed and murmured, “It must have been the storm outside or something that triggered it. How long was I out?”

Finn shrugged, thinking back through what kinda felt like a lifetime. “An hour and a half in all, maybe two.”

“That's it?” Poe jolted. “Just two hours? How did dad get Kzell here so fast?”

The new attitude was enough to make smile even if he was still a little scared. “We were worried about you, Poe.”

Poe blushed and turned his head away quickly. Finn was so shocked that he _blushed_ that he couldn't find anything to say either, so they both just fell into an awkward silence for a moment, neither very willing to push things forward any further than they were. “Um.” Then Poe coughed and cleared his throat. “So it... can't hurt to tell me about the lightning thing now, right? Since I remember it and all?”

But... it could. It very well could, right? Even at this stage? _Especially_ at this stage? Then again, hiding everything was not only getting tiring but it was beginning to hurt everyone involved, especially Poe. They were both tired of it all. Maybe just... a little context couldn't hurt? That was Finn's biggest fear, after all: Poe remembering terrible things without the context of the good parts weaved in-between. Like Finn's past, for example. That went over well without the context...

At least Poe gave him time to think through it... Finn shifted and tried to figure out where to start. “You remember when I told you that the First Order had a weapon like the Death Star and that the Resistance destroyed?” Because it was destroyed, it was _gone_ , and he needed Poe to know that much.

The other wrinkled his nose and seemed to lose himself in thought. “Vaguely,” he quietly answered, which was fair. He had been in the middle of a panic attack at the time. “Wait.” Then realization seemed to start sinking in. “No, that can't be right. What I saw was like a branching effect. It wasn't like- like _lightning_. It was like beams or-”

“Five beams,” Finn corrected with a weary frown. “It was five beams of light stretching out from one source, right?” That's what he saw on Takodana anyway. They hadn't really talked about that instant before, but it stood to reason that Poe saw the same thing at some point in Black One.

“That's impossible,” he answered back, glancing around, trying to figure it out all on his own.

“It was huge,” Finn sighed, trying to ease this down. “Really, really- It was crazy. Shouldn't have been possible on such a scale.” He bit his lip and reached a hand forward to grab on to Poe, to steady him, to make sure he didn't make himself upset over this. The point was that it was gone and over and done, and he just wanted to solidify that in Poe's mind a little more.

But Poe pulled back from him and twisted around in the bed to put his feet on the floor. Finn put his hand back in his lap and tried to pretend that didn't just happen. “So you're telling me it hit five targets?”

Without thinking about it hard enough, Finn answered, “Yeah.”

Poe just stared unblinking into the space between them, making the other really anxious until he began to speak again. “I really feel like I would remember something like that. Where was it?”

“Where?”

Poe just scrubbed at his face, clearly trying to process all of this. “The targets. What did they hit? What did they destroy?”

And that's when Finn choked and questioned the entire conversation. He couldn't tell Poe _that_. It was going too far. He debated with himself on how telling Poe nothing would go, how the other man would react. Finn truly didn't want to keep him in the dark anymore though he never had been okay with it. Now it was just a confusing situation.

As he debated it internally, he watched as Poe got a far away look to his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck this,” he grumbled and stood, “I'm turning in.”

Finn's heart almost sunk until the meaning of Poe's words hit him and he realized that the other man was leaving the room he would typically turn in _to_. A little worried and willing to risk it, Finn stood and quickly grabbed Poe's arm to stop him. “Poe?” The other turned around with a scowl before his face went blank and he just blinked at Finn. “Poe,” he said softer this time, getting pretty worried all over again. “Hey, I think you should lay back down.” Was that too pushy? Was he about to get told off?

“I'm losing my mind,” Poe answered back hoarsely, and that _really_ worried Finn more than anything. Had he gone through another flashback just now? Was that good or bad?

If they were both freaking out then it really would be bad. Finn tried to keep talking softly, calmly, while holding Poe a little tighter in the hopes of calming him down. “No, you're not. Just lay down, okay? You just need to eat, that's all. I'll go get something for you to eat, all right? You're okay.” He was rambling but that was fine. If he could get Poe focused on something else like food then maybe it'll be all right.

But Poe was having none of that apparently. His breath started coming fast and shallow as his eyes darted around the room. “No, Poe,” Finn said a little more sternly. “Come on. Look at me. You're okay, Poe.” Their eyes met again as he kept trying to talk. “Everything's going to be all right. Just breathe with me, okay? I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. Just breathe with me, c'mon.”

“No, I-” No sooner than Finn's voice had tapered away, Poe freed himself from Finn's hands and started running.

Finn cursed as he followed Poe down the hall, through the kitchen, and out the back door. They were on the porch only just out of the rain when Finn was finally able to grab his arm. “ _Stop it_ ,” he snapped, trying not to panic. Poe was trying to _do_ something. It didn't seem like he was trying to get _away_ but more like _to_ something. He wasn't afraid enough to be running away from anything. “Where are you trying to go? What are you doing?” Going ignored, Finn pulled Poe back towards him. “Look at me.”

For his sake, Poe did _try_ to look at him, but the guy was well and truly freaking out. “I- I just-” Poe blinked around while the realization slowly dawned on Finn. “I just need to-”

“The shed?” he guessed. When Poe went silent, seeming to not catch on immediately, Finn asked, “The A-Wing?” Poe jerked his head up to him and almost darted out right into the rain again before Finn pulled him back under the shelter. He did not like Poe acting this _weird_. “Wait, stop. Hold on. You don't even have shoes on. Hang on.” Finn took off the leather jacket and put it over Poe's shoulders as he looked back and forth for literally any shoes that would hopefully by near enough to the door that he wouldn't have to let go or drag the other man around to find them.

He was so frantic in his search that he almost missed Poe muttering in a small voice, “This is my jacket.”

Finn jerked his head back and gripped Poe by the shoulders. He tried talking to him again, shoes forgotten. “Poe? You all right?”

“You had my jacket,” he said again in too hollow of a voice.

To hell with it. Finn was starting to get really terrified about this. He could berate himself about telling Poe too much later but right now he just wanted to yell for the doctor or maybe cry or hope that this was all some really overly complicated and not at all funny joke. But Poe just stared at him with a horrifically lost look in his eyes, and it was all Finn could do to just brush the hair from his face. “Poe?,” he said in a whisper, trying to keep his hands from shaking. “Sweetheart, you're scaring me.”

Poe's face _collapsed_ into a heartbreaking expression and muttered, “Sweetheart?” before squeezing his eyes shut.

“No, no, no-” Fuck fuck fuck. “Poe, _please_ look at me.” They were both freaking out, and Finn was torn on what the hell he should do. Drag him inside to the doctor or outside to the A-Wing? He blinked, realizing that the doctor wasn't going anywhere and that Poe _needed_ to calm down, so he made a decision.

Without any fuss from Poe, which was _really_ worrying, Finn put an arm under his knees and one against his shoulders, picking the other man up with almost too much effort even with his anxiety and adrenaline spiking. “All right, listen to my voice, okay? I've got you, Poe. I've got you. Just keep breathing. You're doing great, baby.”

He didn't know if this was _working_ , but Kes almost slammed the door down to interrupt his thoughts. “Finn, what's-”

“It's okay. I've got him,” he answered in a rush, already moving out into the rain. “I know what he needs. I've got him.”

Kes dashed back into the house, apparently trusting Finn with this new development, so he just continued to babble as he made their way through the rain and to the shed. “Poe? You listening? I've got you, all right? We're okay. Everything's okay.” Poe pushed his face against Finn's neck, so one could assume that _something_ he was doing was working, right?

Finn kept babbling as he used half of an arm to get the shed door open and closed, finally out of the rain, and made his way quickly to sit with his back against the landing gear's wheel. Poe huffed and mumbled while he was maneuvered but otherwise remained quiet in Finn's lap as his breathing slowly started to even out again.

They hadn't been sitting there for more than a minute when Poe opened his eyes again and looked to be much more present. “There you are,” Finn sighed, relieved beyond words that the episode looked to be over. “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Exhausted,” Poe answered coherently, and Finn let out a huge smile. “I'm sorry.”

“You're all right. We're both all right.” Against what was probably his better judgement, Finn pulled Poe closer, wanting dearly to just hug him for about an hour. “Do you know where we are?

Poe looked up at the A-Wing. “Yeah.” Honestly, he didn't seem nearly as relieved about that whole thing being over as Finn did. He just looked sad as he tucked himself against Finn again, looking almost _small_. “I'm sorry about everything.”

… Maybe the doctor _was_ needed. Finn was starting to get worried again. “Don't be sorry,” he murmured back, pulling their jacket tighter around Poe's shoulders. “You've got nothing to be sorry about. Everything's okay.”

Poe relaxed marginally and sighed, eyes nearly closed. “I love you so much.”

Finn froze, knowing with absolute certainty that he heard that right. A million thoughts flitted through his mind, but he had to handle this _calmly_ and _rationally_. “You remember?” he asked, not even pretending to beat around that particular bush.

“Yes,” Poe sighed again but quickly followed up with, “I don't know.” Finn stayed quiet, letting the other sift through his own thoughts and waited for him to continue. “I wish it would stop,” he finally said, voice shaking a little. “I wish everything would stop. I keep going in and out. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know how to get back out again. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening-”

Finn didn't know either but he wasn't going to let _that_ train of thought continue. “Poe. Poe.” He pulled him close, brushing his hands through his hair, and waited until the other man actually looked at him. “You're safe here. No matter what, you're safe. I'm here and I'm never going to let anything happen to you.”

It felt like such a fragile promise with it out in the open like that, but Poe seemed to accept it with a simple, “Okay.” He took deep breaths and tried to work through his thoughts again. “I remember you, I think,” he finally said. “I remember Jakku. And I remember Hosnia. And I remember... Kylo Ren.” Finn swallowed hard and waited for more, but Poe's eyes just closed and all he said was, “I remember you.”

It was over. He was back, and it was over. “I love you, too, Poe.”

The door opened and shut quickly, making Finn jump to see Kes suddenly there even if Poe didn't stir. They must have made an interesting picture since the older man just kind of stared at them for a moment before trying to address Poe in a quiet and worried voice, “Son?”

Poe opened his eyes and turned enough to stare dumbly back at Kes, so Finn answered since he was so happy about the turn of events anyway. “He's okay. He remembers.”

Kes blinked at them and must have assumed that he walked in on a moment since he was babbling out an excuse to leave. Finn wouldn't have minded if he went and got Kzell, honestly, but Poe reached out a hand to Kes. The elder Dameron instantly quieted, almost sheepish, before moving forward to sit beside Finn on the ground, putting Poe's feet in his lap and rubbing the calves. He and Finn shared a small, private smile.

“I'm okay,” Poe muttered between deep, slow breaths. He leaned back into Finn's shoulder and let his eyes close again. “I'm okay.”

Neither of them had the heart to move Poe once he fell asleep, but thankfully Kzell showed up a couple of minutes after the snoring started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was quite the little pause for me. I apologize to my readers. I was happily working away on other fics that's going to go out later this month. Really excited about them! I don't do too many oneshots lately and they were fun to write.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. We have one more chapter that's probably going to be pretty small and that'll be it for this story and maybe even this series. ♥


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, bitch.... again.

“ _I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Finn._ ”

As luck would have it, Rey was finally able to send messages, but they still couldn't talk to one another freely. While he talked to the General the night before, debriefing her on Poe's condition, she had told him that he could make up a message to Rey that they could send whenever he was ready. He wrote up and sent off his message last night and got a holo message back just that morning.

“ _I could feel something in the Force_ ,” the blue flickering image of Rey continued. “ _I felt how upset you were, how distant Poe was. But I also knew it wasn't life threatening and accidentally told Master Skywalker as much. He refused to let me go to you. I can't entirely blame him... But oh, Finn, I wish you had the Force like me. I wish we could convene in some way. It would make this entire war so much easier.. Ah well, that's of no help now._ ” She paused to sigh, sounding weary and a decade older than them both. “ _I'm so glad and relieved to hear that he's doing better. And I'm proud of you. I know it couldn't have been easy. Please send Poe my love. I love you, too, Finn. The next time we see each other, I think we'll all be happier... and stronger._ ” She paused again, this time awkwardly, visibly not sure of what else to say. “ _I'll see you both soon. Please take care of yourselves._ ”

The image vanished, the message coming to an end, and Finn sighed for the both of them. It was great to hear back from Rey _finally_. Somehow, it didn't even feel like it was too late. He was just grateful.

He waffled on the idea of mocking up a reply but decided to either do it in hyper space or once they were back on base again. On base again... Poe had managed to bat his eyelashes and trick Finn into agreeing to bring them back to D'Qar. It wasn't like he could really deny Poe anything right now, but he was still so worried. The doctor waving off his concerns was the final nail, so to speak, to finally agree to leaving Yavin. Poe wanted to go back to work. Could he really deny him that?

 _Yes_ , a voice grumbled in the back of his mind, but he wasn't going to. He wasn't going to be overbearing and overprotective. It was too easy to fall into that trap.

Finn pushed the thoughts aside and went to check on Poe, see if he was done talking to Leia yet. The General had wanted to speak to him personally, get a feel for the situation. It was probably good for Poe, too. Leia only had a certain amount of concern for a person before getting back to important matters. Plus, she trusted Poe's judgement about himself more than even Finn did.

He would have to think about that one another day.

Instead, Finn found Poe looking through the window in his room, quiet and contemplative. His love had been melancholy since getting his memories back, so Finn wasn't a fan of leaving him with his thoughts for too long.

So he walked behind Poe and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him tight and breathing from his neck. Stars above, he had missed this. “You're thinking too much,” he muttered, not even bothering to open his eyes.

Poe sighed and actually relaxed against him. “I thought thinking too much was a good thing for my situation.”

“Nope,” Finn mumbled, nuzzling into Poe's neck. “There's a quota.” The trick was keeping the talks they had light. Keeping everything from feeling too serious, too important, too much. That and distraction. “How did the call go?”

“They're planning a party,” Poe answered with a put upon sigh but couldn't keep the smile out of his voice.

Finn laughed, just getting confirmation that Poe missed his pilots. “No drinking and everyone wanting to hold you for at least thirty minutes for themselves. Sounds like a fun night.”

Instead of replying, Poe wove their fingers together and held him tight with a bowed head. Finn knew he was doing that thinking thing again, so he took advantage of the newly exposed skin, pressing kisses and his love into his fiance as much as he dared.

“Hey, um.” Poe paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Finn recognized the motion and stopped his kissing. Finally, he finished the thought with, “I'm sorry.”

Oh no. Finn furrowed his brow and asked patiently, “For what?”

“For being an asshole.”

Damn this new depressed mood of his. “Poe, you-”

“I should have apologized earlier or like even _during_ the whole thing or just-” Poe stopped babbling long enough for them both to breathe. Finn held him just a little tighter but managed to stay quiet, trying to let him do this. Whatever he had to say, he clearly needed to say it. “I'm just sorry, and I- Fuck, Finn. I can't imagine what you were going through. If something like that happened to you, I don't what I'd-”

No. “Stop.” This wasn't Poe's fault. He wasn't about to start blaming himself for everything. He ran a hand up and down Poe's arm, trying to soothe him before speaking a little less sternly. “Just stop. It would have been different had things been switched. You know that. Even if I had people I remembered near me, would you have left me to fend for myself?” Finn initially wanted to leave Poe, that was true, but not leave him alone, not leave him in pain.

Before he could finish that thought, Poe spat, “ _No_.” He was clearly offended and then Finn's point hit him. “No, I-”

“It wasn't your fault,” Finn said, interrupting Poe before he could come up with excuses. He traced his lips down his love's neck, trying to distract him. “You didn't know, and I was taking the idea of keeping secrets way too far. I should have explained more than I did. You were scared, Poe, and I couldn't figure out a way to help.” _Blame someone else_ , Finn wanted to say. _Blame me_.

“I pulled a gun on you,” Poe growled suddenly, shaking his head. “That's not okay. What if I- What if-”

“You weren't going to.” Somehow, Finn knew that in his soul. “You wanted to buy time. You wanted to get me away from your family. You didn't want anyone to get hurt.” It would have been totally out of character for the unthinkable to have happened.

“I could have-”

“You didn't.”

“But I- No. No.” Poe shook his head again but this time jerked himself out of Finn's arms. Finn didn't fight him on it but he admittedly felt a twinge of pain when Poe turned back to him with angry, glittering eyes. “No, it's not about that. It's about what I _almost_ did. What I... _could_ have-”

“Poe, nothing happened.” He knew this conversation was just going in circles but there was nothing else he could say.

Instead, Poe closed his eyes and took in a deep breath that seemed to rattle his lungs. “You're so... _strong_. After what I- I don't deserve you. I don't deserve-”

Finn would be very happy when these outbursts were over. It wasn't like it was bothering him as much as it was _worrying_ him. Poe didn't freak out like this. It was scary. He shushed the other man, cupping his cheek and bringing them close again. He stood there as Poe shook and tried to catch his breath. The episode seemed to be over, but it was still upsetting to them both, clearly. Besides, there was more bothering him than just the new meds. It wasn't like this was coming out of nowhere. Poe did have a legitimate excuse to freak out, that was true enough, but Finn just wanted him to be better already. Time. Patience. Talking, even. A lot of talking. Things would get better.

He stood there, holding his love and waiting until Poe's eyes opened and finally looked up at him. “There you are,” Finn said with no relief held back from his tone. He pressed a gentle kiss to Poe's forehead and tried to keep everything slow and calm. “I love you,” he muttered quietly. “Do you love me?”

Poe's eyes closed, seeming nearly frustrated. “That doesn't matter.”

“Yes, it does. Because _I_ love you. Look at me?” It took a second, but Poe looked back in his eyes again. Finn waited another second for a reaction and allowed himself to smile when there wasn't one. “I know it bothers you,” he began, rubbing circles into Poe's cheek with his thumb, “but we'll work through it. I forgive you, Poe. You have to work on forgiving yourself. For me, okay?”

Poe closed his eyes and leaned his head forward again, this time resting against Finn's shoulder. Finn took that as a sign to wrap him in a hug again, so he did without a second thought about it. This was something he could do. He could offer support and comfort. He could help with this. Poe was in his arms again. It'll be okay. And slowly Poe wrapped him in a hug, too. “I do love you,” he whispered quietly in return.

Finn pushed their cheeks together and rested his head against Poe's shoulder, too. His smile was so broad, he couldn't help but hide it. “I know.”

* * *

“Thank you, Miri.” He couldn't specify to himself why he was thanking her with all of his heart but it felt like a myriad of reasons. She didn't ask, though. Just gave him that sweet smile of hers and hugged him quietly. She wished for him to come home soon, to stay safe, and he made his way over to Kes while he and Poe still said their goodbyes.

Miri stole Poe away while Finn and Kes exchanged a handshake that turned into a hug halfway through. “I feel like we still have a lot to talk about, son,” Kes muttered to him. And that was true. They hadn't had a moment alone in a while with everything going on.

“We'll be able to talk soon,” Finn promised as he pulled away. “We'll be back in a few months, I think, if all goes well.”

Kes snorted, knowing how well things went in war. “Yeah, well, if that takes too long...” He stopped and sighed and shifted- Gods, the two of them were so similar. “Finn,” he began in quite the serious tone, “no matter what happens, no _matter_ what, you're still family here. You understand that?”

He didn't want to think about what else could happen. He didn't want to think about the horrors of war. But he got the idea and it almost drove him to tears. Instead he blinked hard and nodded. “I do. I know that.”

“Good,” Kes sighed.

BB-8 shot across the field, screaming about a mission and spoiling the tense moment, thankfully. “Not every flight's a mission, Bee!” Poe called after him to no avail.

Finn just smiled and the familiarity of it all and moved closer until his shoulder pushed against Poe's. “You ready?”

Poe nodded. With some last goodbyes and a few waves, they headed to the shuttle just as BB-8 was finishing inputting the coordinates. Poe fell into the co-pilot's seat after their things were put away and didn't even fuss about it. Leia must have said something to him...

Finn felt a warmth sing through him. “Hey,” he whispered. When Poe turned, Finn captured his lips in the sweetest kiss that he could bring himself to give before pulling away with a bis smile. “I missed you.”

Poe smiled back, looking almost dazed, and Finn happily sat himself down in the pilot seat. He ran through the procedure, as he always did, before hearing, “You gonna prime the-?”

Right. He groaned. “I probably didn't miss this part,” he grumbled. But Poe was nothing if not a backseat driver. Poe began to laugh as they lifted off, and Finn's heart was finally at peace again.

 

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times  
the same good things for the first time.”  
-Friedrich Nietzsche, _Human, All Too Human_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you didn't think I would finish it! Well, I didn't either. I can't believe it's done. I'm very sorry that the ending is short and lackluster, but I'm glad it's done.
> 
> Thank you all for the journey! It's been a lot of fun. We had our ups and downs and fic recs and call outs and it's just been a hell of a ride. Thank you for reading and enjoying.
> 
> ♥


End file.
